For the Love of Photography

I have always been fascinated with photography. Photographers are a dime a dozen, but I think each one has a different style that sets them apart from all of the others. I have a friend who I admire very much for what she does. She is way too modest though. She claims to not be a professional, but what is a professional anyway? She has a great attitude all of the time and a great passion for what she does. Y'all should check her page out. Very good work. 

Anyway, while I seach pretty much every night for something new on my Pinterest, I usually always skim through the new uploads on the photography page. I especially enjoy the engagement, wedding, family, and maternity pictures. There are so many ideas that you can do with those four events. But I wanted to share a few that are just out there. Ones that I... LOVE!!!!

Finally accepted it..

Most of you know that I have struggled with "baby fever" for quite some time now. People make jokes about it, but I was becoming an emotional wreck because I couldn't be a mother when I wanted to be.  I want to be a mother, don't get me wrong, but I have finally accepted that this is not the time.  I'm sure that I will have my good days and bad, just like anything else, but it is a relief to know that I accepted that my time will come.  Again, we need to let things settle down before we take on the responsibility of a child for eighteen years.  Only four years ago was I eighteen.  Seems like it took forever to get there.  I have prayed about this endlessly and I have finally received an answer that I am content with.  I won't use the work "happy."  I am content.  Other than praying about it, I have received several signs that this is not the time. One of the new girls at work today told me that she loves her son with all of her heart, but it is like having a job 24/7, only she doesn't get paid for part of it.  She said that if I have the option to wait, then wait.  I have the option of not dealing with kids after six o'clock every night.  I have friends with kids. I can get my fix in at work and with my friend's kids. I have felt guilty for a while too. I am not sure why I allowed myself to feel guilty about something like this, but that uncertainty didn't stop me from feeling that way.  I think it is because I have so many girls around me with kids, most in which were not planned, so I feel like I was being selfish by saying that I didn't want to try to have a kid. But now I realize, I am selfish, and that is okay. I am not ready for my body to go through that, especially with the problems that I have anyway. I want to finish my education before I have a baby because I want to be able to spend my time with him/her instead of trying to juggle first-time motherhood, a full-time job (I would hope), and being a student.  I wouldn't have time to be selfish then, but I have a feeling I would grow bitter because of exhaustion. I get stressed out too easily. We have to deal with the financial aspect of it as well. Someone once told me that you are never financially ready for a child. I know people who save for years just for that. They have been just fine. You can be financially ready. But that is another conversation. And I've saved this part for last- Carter. I have put so much into keeping his memory alive, that I am honestly deep down afraid that I wouldn't have time to do all of what I do if we have a baby.  That sounds crazy, but it's a real fear. I will never forget him; nobody will.  But it is just like having another child once you have had your first. You still pay attention to the oldest, but it is not all about him/her anymore. Even if Tyler and I only have one child, he will still have two. We will style have two to love and cherish. Carter is not gone. I like to think of him as hiding in the clouds. (Shut up). When you are lost on how to cope with a loss like that, you try to put a little bit of humor to the situation. (Nothing wrong with that). Enough time has not passed in Tyler's eyes, and while I said that I was selfish, I am not that selfish. I respect his wishes and his feelings as far as having a baby goes. We have agreed that if it happens unexpectedly, that we would make it work, but we have so much going on with just us that it would not be good to have one more thing to worry about. In saying all of that, I hope that y'all have realized that I have truly accepted that it is not our time.  It is hard for me to accept anything that goes against what I am passionate about. This is a huge thing for me, and I proud of myself for coming to this conclusion.

Something to think about..

I was reading a fellow blogger's newest post last night and something she had posted just kind of hit me.  We have to decide whether we believe that God took our loved ones or whether he received them.  I have thought of a million things since I lost my dad and since Carter passed away.  But this is one thing that I have never thought of deeply.  Sometimes I don't know what I think.  But last night, I really thought about this one.  I choose to believe that God received them.  We serve a selfless God so why would he take an innocent child away from those who love him?  And why would he have taken my dad?  I think that he took them out of pain, but he certainly did not take them from us for his own selfish needs. He had received them and those he has are an inspiration to those of us who are still here. They are up there pushing us to work hard, to our best, love with all that we have, forgive those of their wrongdoings, and encourage us to make it through the golden gates when our day gets here. 

Pinterest & Etsy... LOVE!!

I spend the majority of my time searching for new ideas from Pinterest and Etsy.  I once started an account on Etsy but realized how much of a rip off it was to have money taken from me after selling my own creations. Anyway, I still search though!! I have found some really cute stuff, and things that I see inspire me and spark some creativity.  I experimented with some canvas today, and I am very pleased with how they turned out.

Each of them are $20 in case you are interested.  The middle one is of course personalized for us, but I can personalize them for you as well.  I am about to start working on family canvas.  I am super excited. It brings me joy to paint something for someone. I am so thankful that I came across these two websites.  I have uploaded a few things onto Pinterest and I hope to sell them. Wish me luck!!

Giveaway #1- In Honor of Carter

I knew that I needed to personalize the first giveaway prize.  I have decided to paint a wooden frame (7.5" x 7.5").  The opening is slightly smaller than a 4" x 4" opening.  The opening does not have a cover so the picture will be exposed (just fyi). 

How to enter:

YOU MUST BE A MOTHER (or have lost a child) TO ENTER

Comment on this post or on the Facebook link that you are interested.  Then once you have entered the giveaway, post your son or daughter's name and age and give a few phrases that you would like painted on the frame if you are chosen to win.  For example, I did a collage of Carter's characteristics and stuff about him.  Things I included were his dates, his weight, and details about his time on Earth.  These are the things that I would paint on the frame. 

The winner will be chosen from random.org.  Even if you do not have a child, encourage your friends who are mothers to enter. I have been praying about this for a while now, and this is something that I really want to do.  I cannot make things for Carter, so I want to be able to make things for someone else's child. 

Contemplating a Giveaway..

I have had the idea of a giveaway weighing on my heart for quite some time.  I want to give something to a mother who has or has lost a baby boy. But I do not know what. I'm sure my mother and/or I could make something simple and sweet to give away.  I need help with ideas though.

Why??

I want to start off by saying that I am sure that some people consider me trash, but I am nowhere close.  Next, I want to ask why it is so hard to just stay clean? Why do people have to be trashy? Literally trashy. I know that the world is tough and with all of the pressure that people and situations cause, it is hard to stay on the right path all of the time. A good lifestyle takes discipline...and common sense. My youngest sister-in-law is in jail for trying to cash a stolen check. She is 18 years old. Why?! Actually, I want to ask "Why the fuck?" But, why? It's crazy!! She had been in so much trouble before she turned 18, but she is in her first year of being considered a legal adult. Let me emphasize the legal part. She is no adult. She is an immature child in my eyes.

Secondly, one of dearest friends is going through a breakup with his ex fiance. They have a beautiful 7 month old baby girl who deserves nothing but the best in life. But having a child during a separation complicates things. The ex is making his life a living hell just because she can. So my question is why? Why do girls do stuff like that? Are they simply bored and need to feel like they have control of everything and everyone?  I mean seriously. I am not going to go into detail about the situation, but she is being extremely unfair about it, and I am sick of knowing girls who use their baby/child to make the guys life miserable. They are so insecure and angry at the world for what happened that they are going to use the baby/child to retaliate against them. They make empty threats and they "dare" them to challenge the "authority" she has.  Hmm, that situation sounds all too familiar to us too. That group of girls is not elite by any means. Too many of them to count. It's horrible!! Your such a wonderful mother, but you can't stand on your own two feet and defend yourself. You need something that can't even walk and talk to do it for you. Why are you that stupid?

Thirdly, I spoke (over Facebook) to Carter's mother. She took the time to "be nice" to me so I returned the favor and was "nice" to her.  However, the conversation had to turn to a mound of bs whenever she decided to talk her shit about how Tyler had the chance to help her design the headstone and he didn't so that is why his name is not on it. Well, she had the chance to get help with the expense of it, but p-footed around and didn't contact ACH in time so it came out of pocket. Probably not her pocket. When you are that money hungry, you don't want to give up $2300 for anyone, family or not.  Why are there people like that is the world. People who are careless like that make me want to go straight to church and be re-saved.

I ask why everyday.  It's the easiest question to ask.  I may never know the answers to my questions and that is okay. I trust that the subjects of my questions will be taken care of properly.

Decorating... for anything

Oh My Gosh!! I have completely fallen in love with my Pinterest app. I have so many ideas for when we get into our new house.  I am so excited.  Tyler is even going to let me help him decorate his man cave in Razorbacks (oh yeah!!!).  I love reading about DIY projects and doing simple, but creative ways to spice up an area of your house.  I am enjoying building my knowledge on what looks good and what doesn't.  I have also enjoyed being able to make gifts instead of always have to buy them.

Decorating can be stressful sometimes, but it brings a lot of relief to me as well.  I enjoy being able to see something positive whenever I am feeling down.

If you would like to see some of the ideas that I have found, look up my Pinterest boards and tell me what you think.

writing is my release

Writing has been my escape for a long time.  I am a talker, but I don't always want to talk, especially when there is a chance that I might get a little emotional.  My dad was a writer.  I thank God that that was one thing that I inherited from him.  I talk to him and other lost loved one a lot.  Not verbally, most of the time, but on paper or in my head.  I did, however, start a book of letters to Carter.  Nobody except for my best friend, Kristen, knows about the book (before now obviously). I have been angry with my dad for most of my life because of how he was and because of his absense, but I forgave him (we'll get into that story another time).  So I don't have a while lot to say to him.  That doesn't mean that I don't miss him though.  It just doesn't affect me like it does with Carter.  I have Tyler who it affects more than he leads on.  When it affects him, it affects me. 

Wow, I just got way off subject.

Anyway, I find that when I write to people or write my feelings down, that I can release some of the hurt, anger, and sadness that I feel.  I don't want everyone to know my feelings all of the time.  I generally keep my emotions about the loss of a loved one silent.  I feel like talking about it is pointless because it will not bring them back.  I know that writing won't either, but it is the most private or easiest release that I have.

I know that I haven't posted in over a month, but I am going to try to get better.  Mom and I have been extremely busy with orders and I have spent the majority of my time on Facebook and the other blog updating information and loading pictures.  But I have been feeling cluttered inside lately, and I need to release some tension that I have.