A Wonderful Christmas

This Christmas was wonderful!! Of course a few people were missing, and greatly missed, but we had a great time with our families. Friday night, we went to Dardanelle to my sister in laws, and had a great time, as usual. And Saturday, we had Christmas with my mom and sister. My uncle went to Huntsville, Alabama, where they had a good amount of snow on the ground christmas morning. It was Caleb's (9 years old) first time to see snow. We had lots of great food, movie time, and laughs over the past 3 days!! I enjoyed every bit of it. I know it's not about presents, but we all got a lot of good stuff. I've never had so much fun on Christmas as I did this year. I was so ready for it this year. It was kinda hard not having everyone together, and not having Carter, my dad, and my mother in law here. But it's ok. Part of Carter came back December 23rd. And my dad is everywhere I carry him, and Tyler and I went through old pictures of his mom a few nights ago. They were here. Just wish physically, ya know. Nevertheless, it was a great Christmas, as I said!! We already planned our Christmas tree for next year.... RAZORBACKS, baby!!!!!!! Can't wait. Hopefully we'll be in our new house by then. Which leads me to this... We're moving in June!! And WE ARE READY!! The most important thing in life is family. That's why. And the where is TBA!! Many happy Christmases to come :)) Hope everyones was great, too!!

To end, I want to congratulate our best friends Ashlyn Hammons & Justin Moore on their engagement.... It's about freakin time ;))) lol. Love y'all!!

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!!!!!!

25 things from 2010

1. Had my first new years kiss
2. Spent my first valentines day with someone I actually wanted to be with
3. Turned 21
4. Got married
5. Won an all inclusive vacation to Mexico
6. Maxed out a credit card to get something for someone.
7. Drove to missouri just to get furniture
8. Finally freed myself from target and got a job that I love
9. Made friends with a lot of old enemies.
10. Shot my first gun
11. Became a cat person
12. Had the cops called on me.. Lol
13. Paid off all my medical bills
14. Won tickets to a concert playing rock, paper, scissors
15. Went on a random night getaway
16. Slept on my first king size bed
17. Saw Reba McEntire, Trace Adkins, Martina McBride, Willie Nelson, LeAnn Womack, and Garth Brooks in person
18. Slept in an RV in freezing balls weather
19. Held 2 jobs
20. Became a resident in the most ghetto apartment complex in saline county
21. Made a "D" in a major-related class
22. Was able to mark some completed things off my bucket list
23. Broke my first bone
24. Got my first parking ticket
25. Made it the whole year without strep throat

I know there is more, I had them written down, but here is the basis of 2010 for me. It's been a rough one, but good along the way.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!!!!!!!

Season of Thanks

Well, the Christmas party was fun. New friends joined us, which was good. A few bones were almost broken. Lol. But overall, a very good night. I love this time of year. Minus the freezing cold. But I love all the decorating, sitting on the couch all curled up watching a movie with no lights but the Christmas tree on. It's great. This is also the time of year where I start to miss those close to me though. I wish all of my family was close. But I am blessed to have them, close or far. I lose sight, a lot, of what matters most in my life. I think about it more when it's constantly being mentioned. And now, it is. I am thankful for the basic necessities, but mostly this year, I am thankful for my mom, sister, Tyler & also for my second family. We may not talk very often, but they accepted me very quickly. Made me feel like I had been part of the family for years. I am also thankful for my friends who have really shown their love and support for us the past several months. I am thankful for my JJ, too. Always a happy spirit. He is annoying and unruly sometimes, but he's my little love. And my best friend on 4 legs :). And this morning, my little bubba, daniel, wrecked his bike, and broke his collarbone. It coulda been a lot worse. I am thankful it wasn't. And I'm thankful it didn't happen on the interstate or something. Basically, yeah, I am thankful for the "little things.". THE SiMPLE THiNGS iN LiFE!!!

Maternal Instincts?!?

Sara Blaffer Hrdy, a professor emeritus of anthropology at the University of California at Davis said, “A woman who is committed to being a mother will learn to love any baby, whether it's her own or not; a woman not committed to or prepared for being a mother may well not be prepared to love any baby, not even her own."


I'm not going to sit here and say that maternal instinct IS real, but there is a feeling there somewhere that I didn't have 5 months ago.  Not until Carter went into the hospital.  It was obvious that he would be placed in a new home after what happened.  DHS reassured us of that.  And when we heard that... relief!!! All Tyler said for a couple days was "That's my boy, he'll never be normal again."  He may have not ever led a normal life, but he was loved more than any human being I'd met in the past 21 years of my life.  And when I heard the words "We're gonna get him," it hit me.  I'm not a biological mother to any child.  But I was going to be a primary caregiver to my soon-to-be stepson.  Not only for the love of Tyler, but for the love of children period, I was willing to give up everything to help raise Carter.  And that joy was taken away from us.  I am not all too concerned with what people think about how I react to the situation.  Tyler understands and so do our closest friends.  That's all I care about.  No, Carter is not my son, but I am married to his father, which makes him a big part of my life, too.  Simple fact. 


Hrdy says: "Mothers do not automatically and unconditionally respond to giving birth in a nurturing way.”  She agrees that there are maternal responses, but thinks they are biologically conditioned, and doesn't consider it as an instinct. 


I haven't carried a baby for 9 months of my life.  So I don't know what it's like to have that bond.  And I never expect to automatically know what to do when the time does come.  It's a learning process, like anything else.  But I do respond to things in a much different way since July 25th.  I handle my babies at work a lot differently.  I handle all my younger children differently.  I have always been good with kids, and loved them all unconditionally, as if they were my own.  But I am a lot more protective of them now, I think. 


I don't want to start talking in circles, so I'm gonna wrap this up.  It was just a thought that was fresh on my mind, after talking to Tyler about it last night.  But, whether anyone agrees with me or understands, my thoughts are not going to change.  And like I said, the ones who are the closest to me, understand, and that's all that matters.

A TRUE FRiEND

A good friend is hard to come by. Too many 2 faced people in the world. Too many bold faced liars. Too many cheaters. I say this first off, and i mean it til I die,

"I can be your best friend, or your worst enemy. You choose."

It's crazy how many people out there call Kimberly Shaw, that's me, their friend. Hadn't sat down to count in a while, but I know I don't have THAT many friends. Over the past year, I've learned who really has the honor of being on my friend list. Don't get me wrong, I don't not have a lot of friends because there is something wrong with me. I chose not to allow certain people into my life. Who needs a pool of fake people in their life to drown the ones who matter? I certainly don't. I don't think people realize that there is a difference between a friend and an acquaintance. I guess because we all would sound kind of stupid saying, "Kelly is an acquaintance of mine." We live in the south, we can't sound to sophisticated or we'll ruin our image. But using the reference as friend gives people false hope. I don't know.

Anyway, I said all that to say this. Thanks to all the ones who ARE true friends, and those who stuck by Tyler and I through everything. You mean the world to us. And it's not enough to call you friends. Your family!!

Simple Isn't Our Style....

I miss how easy things used to be.  I miss being able to wake up, and my mom or dad dresses me, makes my breakfast, takes me to school.  I didn't have to buy my own clothes, my own food, and didn't have to put gas in my car.  Or even have a car.  I didn't have a care in the world. The most that would hurt my feelings is getting in trouble for something. So much different now. I wish things were easy, but I don't struggle alone. I'll never struggle alone. A year and a half ago, my life was completely different. I didn't think id give someone enough time to prove himself to the point where I knew I'd wanna spend the rest of my life him. I've never had a relationship so hard. But I don't regret a single big of it. I love Tyler with all my heart. And our promise was " for better or worse" and "through tough and easy." We have been through hell the past year. It's been one thing after another. But nothing so hard to cause a split. That's how I knew we were meant for each other. We even each other out. We both help each other through losses of loved ones. Everything were supposed to do.

We've struggled with finances; despite what people think, WERE NOT LOADED!!!!! We've struggled with the loss of Carter. Among other things. I don't wanna ever compare situations, but people don't think were having "that hard of a time." I try to keep things in perspective, but the higher the stress I'm under, the harder it is. That's what I have Tyler for. I keep telling myself that it can only get better. It's about time for something large to go right for us. Like getting into the house we want. That'd be ideal. I know there will always be someone out there worse off, but that doesn't mean my problems and concerns don't matter. And that's what I wish people would realize.

Tyler and I really are doing well for a young married couple. We work through our problems, and sometimes we don't come right out with what's wrong, but eventually we will. And we do have financial problems, and especially around Christmas it's hard, but he's right, we haven't gone without the necessities. I try to keep that into perspective. But that's another huge change I've had to deal with. Before him, I had money & wasn't forced to spend it. Now, things are way different. But again, I know the struggle won't last forever and I'm never alone. I have the most amazing support system :)

Despite all troubles, I AM BLESSED!!!!!

RiP DaviD PauL LonG [11.14.58- 1.8.09]

I only have 2 friends that I still keep in contact with regularly that know my dad.  Everyone else has only seen pictures.  I lost about 6 years with him due to his addiction to alcohol.  He lost his rights to us after he decided to take us to work with him one day, in which was at a nearby liquor store.  I was too young to really think there was anything wrong with that.  I was very angry with my mom when she decided to divorce him.  I was in the 5th grade the day he moved out, and I remember being on the playground, and just crying.  I had always been a daddy's girl.  He only made a few payments to child support then he quit.  Of course, that I didn't understand either.  I didn't see him sober much unless my grandparents were staying at the house.  Then, he would pour it out.  I remember one thing he said "I can go a day without beer, just as long as I can still smoke."  Then why couldn't he go 2 days without beer... 3 days... forever??  I also remember the last time I heard his voice, besides watching old home videos.  It was in 7th grade and he called me, I didn't want to talk to him, but he said something and it upset me so I told never to call me again.  Little did I know that was actually the last time I was ever going to hear him.  I didn't see him again til the summer after I graduated.  Coincidentally, a guy I had dated for a little bit, his stepdad was my dad's best friend.  The night went ok, until the end, and I asked for someone to take me home.  He didn't even look like my dad.  For a while, I thought he was sick from lung cancer, but now it makes sense why it was esophageal.  He literally corroded the whole inside of his body.  But he was still my dad.  And despite everything that happened, things that I did and didn't understand, I still loved him with all my heart. The last thing I ever saw him write was "Please don't leave."  It took him about 6 pages to write it.  He kept messing up and getting upset and marking it out because it wasn't legible.  It was only a matter of weeks before he was put back into the hospital.  It was time for him to go.  I don't ever want to relive something like that again.  I miss my dad everyday.  I missed him walking me down the aisle and giving me away.  I wish so much that he could've met Tyler.  I wish he could've been here PHYSICALLY for it all.  I miss him during the holidays.  I miss him all the time.  I love you dad!!

A poem that my dad wrote me, I'll cherish forever :)

Kimberly, You're loved.
No matter what you hear,
Your daddy loves you.
Is that clear?

Baby I tried,
But somehow "failed."
I should have been quiet
And guess I yelled.

You are so pretty,
You're easy on the eyes!
But look at your Mom,
There's no surprise.

Baby, I love you.
Keep that at heart!
You are so sweet,
Not to mention SMART!!

Love you baby, Dad

CARTER'S P0EM T0 TYLER!!!

It's amazing how something so little can make you fall so deep in love,

God's little miracle, sent from above.

A guaranteed smile that makes the butterflies dance,

You never want to look away, not even a glance.

You hold that tiny blessing, and can't do anything but grin,
You wondered for 9 months if he was going to have your eyes, your smile, you chin.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to you, the love of your life,
He's an angel in disguise, watching over you & your wife.

He's the wind in your hair, the taste of fresh air,

He's the sparkle in your eye, he's the happy spirit that will never die.

He's precious like his daddy, with that gleam in his eyes,
But we knew he'd be precious, that was no surprise.

A 5 month old can teach you so much,
All it takes is falluing in love after that first touch.

He's the most beautiful thing our eyes ever saw,
We love you always and forever, Carter Greyson Shaw.

:)
-Kim Shaw

Something Missing- A Bittersweet Christmas

First of all, people need to quit saying that I shouldn't miss Carter.  Yeah, he wasn't my son, but it still affects me.  I am married to his father.  And not the father that the Russellville Courier referred to in yesterday's paper.  Tyler is his father, not Jon.  I've been there through all of this.  Supported him to the best of my ability.  This Christmas is going to be hard.  This would've been his first Christmas.  It's killing Tyler.  He can't even buy him presents for his first.  He is still part of our family.  This just sucks really bad.  Being robbed of the joy of all the years to come.  All the Christmases, Birthdays, etc.  My anger is back obviously.  Last Christmas was hard enough going with Tyler to his mom's gravesite.  Now we just have another visit.  It's so unfair.  Of course, int he middle of me being upset about him, it makes me miss my dad.  It's just unfair how much is missing from us.  It's our first Christmas as a married couple.  It's supposed to be happy, and it will be, but sad in so many ways too.  It'll be bittersweet, to say the least.  Your daddy and I love you babyboy.  Miss you.  Merry Christmas!!

Sister by Birth... Friend by Choice

I've always had a best friend. And since December 22, 1991, that best friend has been my sister. She has always loved me unconditionally. Never a question about whether she would be around to listen. Always there. Always a shoulder to cry on, for 19 years. Not many ppl are this close to their siblings. But i love hanging out with her. We can be our goofy selves without feeling stupid. Unless she's working, already out, or really sick, she's there. Its never "I don't really feel like it." Its a great feeling knowing that someone is always there. Thanks, Whitney. I love you so much, little sister.

The Season of Love

Just wanna start by saying that being married to your best friend is AWESOME!! We couldn't be happier!! Saturday was just an amazing day.  And getting to celebrate with our family and closest friends was great!! I enjoyed every bit of it, even on 3 hours of sleep.  It doesn't feel much different, I guess because we were always together.  But the stress is gone.  It was so much fun and the best day of my life!!!                                                                                                 

Now were just preparing for Christmas.  Discussed with mom last night, and we're having Christmas at our place this year.  I'm so excited.  We put up our tree last night and it is so cute!! Financially permitting, we're also having a Christmas party this year!! I've always wanted to have one.  And I think this year, we should!! It's just gonna be an awesome rest of the year, and I am so blessed to be able to spend it with such wonderful friends, family, and my amazing husband!!!

Today is my Mom's 50th birthday... For 21 years, she has hands down been the best mom!! She was never one to severely discipline; she always knows how to handle a situation without getting irrational.  She does everything in her power to make sure her kids are taken care of.  She works hard, and never stops.  Basicially being a single mom, she has done an amazing job!! She is such an inspiration to my sister and me.  Tyler isn't ever legally her son in law yet, and she has taken him in as her son.  She loves hard, and is loved hard.  She wears her heart on her sleeve, and does everything good she can for someone.  I can't say much more without talking in circles... Bottom line... She is just an AMAZING person!!! I don't know what I would do without my best friend here to guide me!!! We love you so much mom!!!