Still doesn't know..

I know that having children is one of those things that you either really plan for or it just happens.  It's not one of those things that you want to rush.  You want to be sure. 

I am one that is not so sure. 

Honestly, I believe that Tyler is ready to be a dad again whenever the time comes.  It's not going to be a shock to him, and I know that he will be on board.  But it's an ongoing struggle for me.  I am about fed up with the "if you have doubts then you don't need to do it."  Maybe, but that is the most annoying, most cliche thing that anyone can say.  Unless you are going through the exact same thing (and even then, everyone handles it differently), you have no idea how emotionally draining it is wanting a child and knowing that you are not ready in some ways. 

I have compiled a list of reasons of why I think that God is wanting us to wait (but being the impatient one that I am, I am having a hard time accepting them).

1. Money
2. Living arrangements
3. Still newly married
4. Still too young

Also, I started thinking about all of the other things that might be signs.

1. Carter doesn't want anyone is his room for a while. 
2. Maybe the kids that I work with are the only kids that I need to deal with at the moment. 
3. All of the problems that I am going through with my health.

And of course, I have my fears.

1. Miscarriage (I think this has to be my number one fear)
2. Eventually having to put my child in daycare.
3. Bad sickness.
4. Being able to trust ANYONE with my child.

I know what your thinking- This crazy lady is going to worry herself to death!!

But making lists like this about things that I do worry about, get the ideas out of my head just a little and relieves a little bit of the stress.  If I can express how I am feeling and get my concerns out there, maybe someone will read over them and will be able to relate to me.  Tyler always tells me not to stress about the things that I can't control.  True, but this is a worry that guys don't experience like a girl does.  They don't have the same responsibilities in the matter. 

Anyway, so I said all of that to mean this- I'm just not sure!!! I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Mother's Day

For about a week now, or I guess since the kids at school started working on their Mother's Day cards/projects, I have been thinking about Carter being here (and about something else).  I keep wondering if he would have thought of me as his mother or would he even love me being his stepmother.  It's such an awkward and disappointing feeling to me.  Questions that I'll never have the answers to just sit in my mind. 

I was at Walmart this morning printing off pictures and looking for my mom and Tyler's grandma a Mother's Day card, and of course there were stepmother cards.  I had to pick up at least one and read it.  Good thing I only read one because I almost immediately started crying.  I just wish I could be honored on this day.  Every chance I had of being a mother has been taken away from me.  It's not fair to either of us really. 

I came across an article- Mother's Day for Stepmoms - just a little bit ago that is basically how I feel, minus the fact that no children are present in my situation.

There isn't much else I can say about it. Just wish I could wake up to a "Happy Mother's Day" tomorrow.

A Year in Heaven

August 4, 2010, at 2:40pm, Carter joined God and all of his beautiful angels. It's been a long, hard year, but we know that he is where every one of us wants to be, and will be someday. Free from harm, free from pain. Join us in releasing a blue balloon for him on this day. Many of you never got the chance to meet him, but he still captured the hearts of many with those big blue eyes and that beautiful smile. There was not a person that saw a picture of him that didn't see Tyler in him.    We have created a Facebook event that you can visit & post pictures.  You can visit this event here.   For this event, we would like to have people join us at the location that we are releasing the balloons, but we understand that not everyone will be able to make it.  If you release a balloon for him alone, we ask that you please take a picture of it, and post it on the event wall or mine or Tyler's wall.  Also, if you are not able to release a balloon, you can light a candle or just simply say a prayer.   This is not a day that we want to spend sad.  We want to remember Carter as happy.  This is in honor of him & what more could a parent want for their child than to know that they are eternally safe?

Lies..

To some people a lie is a lie no matter what it's about.  I don't think that so much, but I am sensitive when it comes to some things. 


Psalms 31:18, "Let the lying lips be put to silence;"

I can speak for so many people, that the lying lips do need to be put to silence.  This situation has become the most insane thing that we have ever had to deal with, and it's about time that the lies & show stop!!
  Without going into too much detail, (close friends and family can pick up on my point), I am tired of people lying about their Christianity whenever they are living a life of destruction.  When I said a lie is a lie to some people, which do you think is more severe- lying about your age, or lying about being a Christian as you are engaging in illegal activity such as hard drug usage?  God knows every lie that you tell, even before you tell them.  Why people think they can make it to Heaven whenever they are living a lie is beyond me.  You can't fool him.  It's just not possible.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not a perfect Christian, but what you see is what you get.  I don't try to fool anyone into thinking that I am someone that I am not. 

Please continue to pray for our family & the family of the truly innocent as June 28th approaches quickly.