If you really want to think about it, get down to the very basis of it, you don't plan anything. God plans it for you. He knows what you are going to be doing next Wednesday at 12:08pm (just throwing a day and time out there).
He plans everything in your life. He has reasons for everything he does. We, or mainly I, realized this over the past few days.
Why would God take 7 years away from my sister and I with our dad?
Why would God take away the mother of a 15 year old boy (Tyler)?
Why would God take away a beautiful baby like Carter?
Why would God not allow you to know certain things about yourself, and then find out something that throws you into a temporary shock?
These 4 questions have been on my mind for the past week. In a way, I have concluded answers to all of them.
Working with 4 year olds is rubbing off on me, and the simplest answer is "because [he] can." God has the almighty power to do whatever he feels best for each individual that he watches over. I am still going through the process of not questioning his work. Believe me.. It's work.. A work in PROGRESS!!
March 29, 2011
March 24, 2011
16 years
First of all, I want to start by saying that I am not blogging about this to cause anything, nor am I grinning or speaking rudely.
Now that we have that clear....
Last night, a friendship of 16 years came to an end. Who is to say that we won't ever speak again? I don't know, but as far as the friendship that we had before, that is gone. This girl HAS been there for me a lot, and visa versa, but the past few months, we have drifted apart. VERY QUICKLY!! We don't ever see each other. I don't trust being out in public with her where there is alcohol involved, because she cannot control herself. And our problems always overrule each others. I am not going to sit here and compare problems. We had a long conversation last night. I tried to be rational and mature about it, but she couldn't take it. One lapse of judgement from some pictures I posted on Facebook of messages from someone, and a lapse of judgement from her being overly opinionated where everyone could see. This is coming from a girl who doesn't hardly ever get on Facebook, and says that if someone has a concern about a post, don't start drama on there. Just text the person and handle it that way. Okay. I deleted her comment, and did just that. What I thought was the mature thing to do.
Anyway, to make a long story short. It's over. It's not worth the stress anymore. I am not one to get all hurt whenever I lose a friend. I have those who care about what it going on, and those are the people that I run to. Most importantly, I have my husband, mother, and sister.
I trust that God allowed this to happen for a reason. I trust him. I have seen a lot of good come out of a lot of bad. I know that there was a purpose for this, other than the obvious.
I am okay.
Now that we have that clear....
Last night, a friendship of 16 years came to an end. Who is to say that we won't ever speak again? I don't know, but as far as the friendship that we had before, that is gone. This girl HAS been there for me a lot, and visa versa, but the past few months, we have drifted apart. VERY QUICKLY!! We don't ever see each other. I don't trust being out in public with her where there is alcohol involved, because she cannot control herself. And our problems always overrule each others. I am not going to sit here and compare problems. We had a long conversation last night. I tried to be rational and mature about it, but she couldn't take it. One lapse of judgement from some pictures I posted on Facebook of messages from someone, and a lapse of judgement from her being overly opinionated where everyone could see. This is coming from a girl who doesn't hardly ever get on Facebook, and says that if someone has a concern about a post, don't start drama on there. Just text the person and handle it that way. Okay. I deleted her comment, and did just that. What I thought was the mature thing to do.
Anyway, to make a long story short. It's over. It's not worth the stress anymore. I am not one to get all hurt whenever I lose a friend. I have those who care about what it going on, and those are the people that I run to. Most importantly, I have my husband, mother, and sister.
I trust that God allowed this to happen for a reason. I trust him. I have seen a lot of good come out of a lot of bad. I know that there was a purpose for this, other than the obvious.
I am okay.
March 23, 2011
Working through the anger.. Little by little
Angry? ...Just a little
I am having a very difficult time with some things right now. I know that I am not supposed to live angry, but I am having my moments. Everyone does. Don't fault me.
I am completely distracted by the happenings of the past week. I am trying to find the strength to just take 10 seconds to breathe in and out, but I am failing. I am struggling to find nice words to "those who help."
I wish for 1 day that I could stop thinking. Even relaxing places trigger memories. Colors. Sounds. Whatever. I've always knocked people who can't think, but what I would give to just stop thinking. For a day. Is that too much to ask?
I have so many things that I am blessed with. So many caring people in my life, but I am too overwhelmed to keep that in front of everything else in my mind. This crap doesn't even deserve to be in the back of my mind.
I can't help but to think when I am laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep. I woke up last night because I swore I heard someone calling my name. I mean, nobody lives here except me, Tyler, and JJ. And I'm pretty positive that JJ didn't call my name. If so, he needs to be checked out, and soooo do I. But, I can't describe the voice. I just know someone called me. I never got up
though. And I never responded.
Anger, I believe, is an underlying cause of this. I am so angry with all of this stuff. All of the lies people tell. All of the denial people live in. It's breaking me down. And I'm showing it. Not cool. I play no part in this other than the defenseless Kim. I don't fight back. I know I'm in the right, and I know where my place is.
I wish people could just BE REAL!! I feel like people fake sincerity towards me. I am an anger person at the moment. So what. I have a plan on working through that. But like anything big, it takes time.
What little strength I do have, God is giving me. (And Day/Nyquil). He will give me strength and wisdom. This is a work in progress. Slow. But progress.
I am having a very difficult time with some things right now. I know that I am not supposed to live angry, but I am having my moments. Everyone does. Don't fault me.
I am completely distracted by the happenings of the past week. I am trying to find the strength to just take 10 seconds to breathe in and out, but I am failing. I am struggling to find nice words to "those who help."
I wish for 1 day that I could stop thinking. Even relaxing places trigger memories. Colors. Sounds. Whatever. I've always knocked people who can't think, but what I would give to just stop thinking. For a day. Is that too much to ask?
I have so many things that I am blessed with. So many caring people in my life, but I am too overwhelmed to keep that in front of everything else in my mind. This crap doesn't even deserve to be in the back of my mind.
I can't help but to think when I am laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep. I woke up last night because I swore I heard someone calling my name. I mean, nobody lives here except me, Tyler, and JJ. And I'm pretty positive that JJ didn't call my name. If so, he needs to be checked out, and soooo do I. But, I can't describe the voice. I just know someone called me. I never got up
though. And I never responded.
Anger, I believe, is an underlying cause of this. I am so angry with all of this stuff. All of the lies people tell. All of the denial people live in. It's breaking me down. And I'm showing it. Not cool. I play no part in this other than the defenseless Kim. I don't fight back. I know I'm in the right, and I know where my place is.
I wish people could just BE REAL!! I feel like people fake sincerity towards me. I am an anger person at the moment. So what. I have a plan on working through that. But like anything big, it takes time.
What little strength I do have, God is giving me. (And Day/Nyquil). He will give me strength and wisdom. This is a work in progress. Slow. But progress.
March 22, 2011
Questions..
All these questions. I can't think straight. I'm so angry-stricken about some things. I'm getting sick, which is never good. I am pushing myself to the limit right now. I'm really overwhelmed. All the stress. From everything. There are so many things that I feel like I'm doing wrong. I feel like I'm falling apart some days, and others, I'm great. I'm tired of the uncertainty. My patience is very thin. I need strength again. I want to be myself again.
March 17, 2011
Things You Shouldn't Say to a Grieving Person
I recently started following a lady's blog who lost her baby to SIDS. Two ladies actually. But on one, I found this and was very moved by it. When Carter was in the hospital and even when my dad passed, I heard things that I didn't appreciate. There are things that are still being said that I can't stand now. I thought I would share this, (and I have added my own, too).
1. I know how you feel.
Even if your child died, you can't know how I feel, because every person and situation is unique. If you want to share how you felt when you experienced a loss, that's fine. But bite your tongue if you're ever tempted to compare two people's grief. Tyler and I even grieve differently. I don't share the same feelings as him, and he doesn't share the same with me.
2. How are you doing?
Many people use this greeting out of habit and aren't prepared for an honest reply. A much better greeting is simply "It's good to see you." If you truly are prepared to find out how a grieving person is feeling, try to use specific questions such as: "What was the hardest thing you've had to face this week?" or "Have you been able to have a good cry lately?" -It's like right after we walked out of Children's, someone called me and I told them that he was gone. She asked how we were doing. Um, what how do you think?
3. Look on the bright side. It could have been much worse.
Yes, it's true that others have had to face worse. And even though a bereaved person could probably find a dozen reasons to be thankful if hard-pressed, you needn't try to force them to be cheerful. Sadness is the normal, healthy response to the death of a loved one.
4. Call me if there's anything I can do to help.
Few grieving people will ask for help because they are usually too overwhelmed to assess and prioritize their needs. Friends should offer to do something specific and remember to get permission before taking action.
5. At least we know it was God's will.
While it's true that God allows bad things, this statement is insidious because it implies that He intentionally plans them in order to punish or teach us. It's not God but the enemy who deserves credit for evil and its completely irrational results.
6. Don't worry; you're young. You'll get on with your life.
A loved one who dies is not replaceable. Having another child can ease the pain of a secondary loss. But parents will mourn the primary loss, a relationship with that child, for as long as they live.
7. Aren't you happy your child doesn't have to live in this sinful world anymore?
Although we have a blessed hope that the separation of death is only temporary, happiness won't be realized until the great reunion. If parents were meant to care only for heaven and nothing for this life, then the happiest parents would be those whose babies are stillborn, right?
8. Don't talk that way. You know better than that.
The ability to safely express doubts, questions, and anger is crucial in the healing process. It's perfectly natural for grieving persons to wonder why God didn't step in and overrule in their particular situation. Allow them to wrestle through this difficult issue and question the One who says in Isaiah 1:18, "Come now, let us reason together." He can sooner help a person who expresses these feelings than one who buries them beneath a guise of unquestioning acceptance.
9. You must be really strong. I'd die if that happened to me.
What you perceive as calm strength is more likely the numbness of shock. You may be surprised how many grief-stricken people pray for God to let them die, too. Death would be a welcome relief, and many have briefly considered suicide. The last thing they need is for someone to imply that they are disloyal for trying to make the best of the life they have. -I was told by several people that they would have "killed somebody" if that had happened to their child. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO UNTIL YOUR IN THAT SITUATION!!!! Enough said!!!
10. You should be over this by now.
Grieving for a child is a lifelong process, not a weeklong event. The only way to get "over" it would be to forget that child, an unhealthy alternative to grief known as denial. Life will eventually seem worth living again, but it will never be as it once was. Too much has changed. You can't put a timeline on grief. It is different with everyone.
11. God will never give you anything that you can't handle.
When someone is grieving over the loss of a loved one, they handle it how they choose. God made everyone unique and nobody handle grief identically.
12. Many people die young. He lived a good life.
That one is a personal one. Who is to say that Carter lived a good life. We weren't able to see what was going on when he was away from us. He died of shaken baby syndrome and had bruises on him prior to that. We have no idea what was going on. But we do know that he was abused by someone. He was ripped from this life due to someone's negligence.
13. It was just his time.
Don't put a schedule on someone's life.
14. You are still upset? You need to move on.
You can't put a timeline on grief. It takes different amounts of time for everyone. Anniversaries and birthdays will always be a time of sadness even when there are times of laughter. The pain doesn't just go away.
15. Everything happens for a reason.
That statement is so cliche that it shouldn't even be said. It's just enough to irritate someone.
16. It will get better with time.
Again, refrain from saying things that you don't know to be true. It could take a lifetime for someone to get better. You can't know that for someone. You can only hope.
17. "At least..."
Never use that phrase. It's someone's way of saying that there could be worse things.
18. Don't ever compare situations
You can't compare the loss of a parent to the loss of a child to the loss of a sibling. It is all different. I shouldn't even have to explain this one.
19. Something good will come out of this.
You never want to hear that. In time, you may realize the truth in it, but while you are grieving, you never want to accept that there is a positive side to losing someone. People have told us that if Carter would have made it, we would have had to take care of a vegetable the rest of his life. That it would be a burden. Since when is caring for a child a burden? "If we would have lived, he wouldn't have even been normal." and " It's probably a good thing that he was let go because you never know what complications he would have had." I think that one has gotten to me the most.
20. Remember, you still have your family.
Yes, maybe. But with all that Tyler has lost, it makes you realize that things can happen when you least expect it. It puts the fear in you basically. You have your family to help you through it, but the fact is, you just lost a member of your family.
21. You can always have another baby.
Ohhh, really!!? I didn't know. But you never know. This was my stepson. What if I can't concieve a child of my own? What if I had problems with infertility? And no baby of ours will ever replace Carter. They will be loved the same, no question, but when people say that, they say it as if the lost child can be replaced.
I hope that people can relate and understand this. Maybe for those that I have been short with, they will understand where I am coming from. Where we all come from.
1. I know how you feel.
Even if your child died, you can't know how I feel, because every person and situation is unique. If you want to share how you felt when you experienced a loss, that's fine. But bite your tongue if you're ever tempted to compare two people's grief. Tyler and I even grieve differently. I don't share the same feelings as him, and he doesn't share the same with me.
2. How are you doing?
Many people use this greeting out of habit and aren't prepared for an honest reply. A much better greeting is simply "It's good to see you." If you truly are prepared to find out how a grieving person is feeling, try to use specific questions such as: "What was the hardest thing you've had to face this week?" or "Have you been able to have a good cry lately?" -It's like right after we walked out of Children's, someone called me and I told them that he was gone. She asked how we were doing. Um, what how do you think?
3. Look on the bright side. It could have been much worse.
Yes, it's true that others have had to face worse. And even though a bereaved person could probably find a dozen reasons to be thankful if hard-pressed, you needn't try to force them to be cheerful. Sadness is the normal, healthy response to the death of a loved one.
4. Call me if there's anything I can do to help.
Few grieving people will ask for help because they are usually too overwhelmed to assess and prioritize their needs. Friends should offer to do something specific and remember to get permission before taking action.
5. At least we know it was God's will.
While it's true that God allows bad things, this statement is insidious because it implies that He intentionally plans them in order to punish or teach us. It's not God but the enemy who deserves credit for evil and its completely irrational results.
6. Don't worry; you're young. You'll get on with your life.
A loved one who dies is not replaceable. Having another child can ease the pain of a secondary loss. But parents will mourn the primary loss, a relationship with that child, for as long as they live.
7. Aren't you happy your child doesn't have to live in this sinful world anymore?
Although we have a blessed hope that the separation of death is only temporary, happiness won't be realized until the great reunion. If parents were meant to care only for heaven and nothing for this life, then the happiest parents would be those whose babies are stillborn, right?
8. Don't talk that way. You know better than that.
The ability to safely express doubts, questions, and anger is crucial in the healing process. It's perfectly natural for grieving persons to wonder why God didn't step in and overrule in their particular situation. Allow them to wrestle through this difficult issue and question the One who says in Isaiah 1:18, "Come now, let us reason together." He can sooner help a person who expresses these feelings than one who buries them beneath a guise of unquestioning acceptance.
9. You must be really strong. I'd die if that happened to me.
What you perceive as calm strength is more likely the numbness of shock. You may be surprised how many grief-stricken people pray for God to let them die, too. Death would be a welcome relief, and many have briefly considered suicide. The last thing they need is for someone to imply that they are disloyal for trying to make the best of the life they have. -I was told by several people that they would have "killed somebody" if that had happened to their child. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO UNTIL YOUR IN THAT SITUATION!!!! Enough said!!!
10. You should be over this by now.
Grieving for a child is a lifelong process, not a weeklong event. The only way to get "over" it would be to forget that child, an unhealthy alternative to grief known as denial. Life will eventually seem worth living again, but it will never be as it once was. Too much has changed. You can't put a timeline on grief. It is different with everyone.
11. God will never give you anything that you can't handle.
When someone is grieving over the loss of a loved one, they handle it how they choose. God made everyone unique and nobody handle grief identically.
12. Many people die young. He lived a good life.
That one is a personal one. Who is to say that Carter lived a good life. We weren't able to see what was going on when he was away from us. He died of shaken baby syndrome and had bruises on him prior to that. We have no idea what was going on. But we do know that he was abused by someone. He was ripped from this life due to someone's negligence.
13. It was just his time.
Don't put a schedule on someone's life.
14. You are still upset? You need to move on.
You can't put a timeline on grief. It takes different amounts of time for everyone. Anniversaries and birthdays will always be a time of sadness even when there are times of laughter. The pain doesn't just go away.
15. Everything happens for a reason.
That statement is so cliche that it shouldn't even be said. It's just enough to irritate someone.
16. It will get better with time.
Again, refrain from saying things that you don't know to be true. It could take a lifetime for someone to get better. You can't know that for someone. You can only hope.
17. "At least..."
Never use that phrase. It's someone's way of saying that there could be worse things.
18. Don't ever compare situations
You can't compare the loss of a parent to the loss of a child to the loss of a sibling. It is all different. I shouldn't even have to explain this one.
19. Something good will come out of this.
You never want to hear that. In time, you may realize the truth in it, but while you are grieving, you never want to accept that there is a positive side to losing someone. People have told us that if Carter would have made it, we would have had to take care of a vegetable the rest of his life. That it would be a burden. Since when is caring for a child a burden? "If we would have lived, he wouldn't have even been normal." and " It's probably a good thing that he was let go because you never know what complications he would have had." I think that one has gotten to me the most.
20. Remember, you still have your family.
Yes, maybe. But with all that Tyler has lost, it makes you realize that things can happen when you least expect it. It puts the fear in you basically. You have your family to help you through it, but the fact is, you just lost a member of your family.
21. You can always have another baby.
Ohhh, really!!? I didn't know. But you never know. This was my stepson. What if I can't concieve a child of my own? What if I had problems with infertility? And no baby of ours will ever replace Carter. They will be loved the same, no question, but when people say that, they say it as if the lost child can be replaced.
I hope that people can relate and understand this. Maybe for those that I have been short with, they will understand where I am coming from. Where we all come from.
March 16, 2011
When We Question God's Work
The hardest thing to do is not wonder why things are the way that they are. When someone close to you dies, the first question is "Why?" "Why did this have to happen to ___?"
I always wonder this. Our lives work just fine the way they are, but sometimes we'll lay there at night with JJ, and wonder what it would be like to have Carter in his spot.
I wonder why God made it to where I had to dance with my father-in-law, and Tyler dance with my mother at our wedding. It wasn't supposed to be like that. Carter was supposed to be our ring bearer. My dad was supposed to give me away.
I have been questioning God a lot lately. About the missing people in our lives. I can't help it. Especially at night when I should have my stepson in the next room. And when I should be able to call my dad or mother-in-law and talk to them when I needed someone to talk to.
That's about all I've had on my mind lately. I know God will forgive me for questioning Him. I mentioned a few posts ago that everything that has happened was supposed to happen. But I having a hard time with it even though I know it is true.
I know that God will give me the strength to fully understand this when I am ready to. Prayers.
(Also, please pray for my second mom's mother. She is not doing very well, but is continuing to hold on despite her severe lack of strength. The power of prayer. It helped Carter and my dad hold on as long as they did. Please pray for her and my whole second family.)
I always wonder this. Our lives work just fine the way they are, but sometimes we'll lay there at night with JJ, and wonder what it would be like to have Carter in his spot.
I wonder why God made it to where I had to dance with my father-in-law, and Tyler dance with my mother at our wedding. It wasn't supposed to be like that. Carter was supposed to be our ring bearer. My dad was supposed to give me away.
I have been questioning God a lot lately. About the missing people in our lives. I can't help it. Especially at night when I should have my stepson in the next room. And when I should be able to call my dad or mother-in-law and talk to them when I needed someone to talk to.
That's about all I've had on my mind lately. I know God will forgive me for questioning Him. I mentioned a few posts ago that everything that has happened was supposed to happen. But I having a hard time with it even though I know it is true.
I know that God will give me the strength to fully understand this when I am ready to. Prayers.
(Also, please pray for my second mom's mother. She is not doing very well, but is continuing to hold on despite her severe lack of strength. The power of prayer. It helped Carter and my dad hold on as long as they did. Please pray for her and my whole second family.)
March 13, 2011
Ellen DeGeneres Tweets
First off, I would like to say, I haven't found one single tweet from Ellen DeGeneres to be disappointing. I am easily entertained as it is, but the comments on her pictures that she finds (I don't even know where..lol) are hilarious.
The dog lover in me found humor in this one
...Ok, my computer is slowing down on me, but the link is twitpic.com/48br4q
"Wanna lie in the son? Get in line."
LOVE it!!!
Also, "I found this stuck to my pantyhose." twitpic.com/489kio
...Never fails. Always GREAT!!! Thanks for the laughs, Ellen :)
The dog lover in me found humor in this one
...Ok, my computer is slowing down on me, but the link is twitpic.com/48br4q
"Wanna lie in the son? Get in line."
LOVE it!!!
Also, "I found this stuck to my pantyhose." twitpic.com/489kio
...Never fails. Always GREAT!!! Thanks for the laughs, Ellen :)
March 12, 2011
To Our Family & Friends
Family is the last thing in the world to turn your back on. You'll lose friends over time. You may gain some to replace those lost. But family will always be there. Mine will, at least. And fortunately for us, some of our friends fall under family. Some are just that close. The feeling is amazing and very heart warming.
Thanks to all who have stood by our side through anything and everything.
We love you all to the end of the world and back!!
Thanks to all who have stood by our side through anything and everything.
We love you all to the end of the world and back!!
i hate the criticism
Who is in the right place to tell someone how to handle death- honestly?
I have been having a hard time with it lately. Being criticized on top of my feelings is only making it worse. Nobody can really help how they feel. You can't just stop- although I wish I could.
I have had people tell me that they don't understand how I can mourn the loss of Carter like Tyler can. Okay, yeah there is a little bit of a difference, but what am I supposed to say? I didn't care?
Nooo.....
I did care. I cried myself to sleep for 10 days and beyond. And still do. He was an innocent life taken due to someone's negligence, temper, stupidity, whatever!!! How would that not make a normal person cry? He was my husband's son... Hello!!
He's told me several times, and whether I truly feel it or not, I don't know, that he was mine just as much as his. I usually am careful about how much of stuff like that I say on here due to the risk of it being seen from the other side. But, I can't care anymore about that, really. I probably will continue to care a little bit, but I honor him, and mourn the loss of him. Sorry. If you don't understand, read my post titled "Maternal Instincts!?!" I don't feel like I should have to justify myself. I have been constantly demeaned by people, and it's not fair. I don't hurt anyone. I'm trying to give Tyler back some of what he lost, the best way I know how. Jeez, people!!
And about my dad and how I mourn over him... That's almost one of those things I will seriously go crazy on someone about. Let's see... I lost years with my dad, yes, but I loved him still. I was half of him. Me being told that it doesn't make sense for me to miss him like I do... OH NO!!! Don't ever tell me that. Another hurtful thing- I am lucky to have recieved his retirement. Yes, I sat there just waiting for him to take his last breath so I could get my hands on his money. You caught me... NO!!!!! I loved my dad with all my heart. He made a lifestyle choice that cost him his life, but that doesn't change the feeling I have in my heart. I miss my dad everyday. And love him so much.
I hate being criticized about my coping methods and people I mourn the loss of. It's a sin against God, mostly. Think about it. I don't ever criticize how people cope. It's different for us all.
I have been having a hard time with it lately. Being criticized on top of my feelings is only making it worse. Nobody can really help how they feel. You can't just stop- although I wish I could.
I have had people tell me that they don't understand how I can mourn the loss of Carter like Tyler can. Okay, yeah there is a little bit of a difference, but what am I supposed to say? I didn't care?
Nooo.....
I did care. I cried myself to sleep for 10 days and beyond. And still do. He was an innocent life taken due to someone's negligence, temper, stupidity, whatever!!! How would that not make a normal person cry? He was my husband's son... Hello!!
He's told me several times, and whether I truly feel it or not, I don't know, that he was mine just as much as his. I usually am careful about how much of stuff like that I say on here due to the risk of it being seen from the other side. But, I can't care anymore about that, really. I probably will continue to care a little bit, but I honor him, and mourn the loss of him. Sorry. If you don't understand, read my post titled "Maternal Instincts!?!" I don't feel like I should have to justify myself. I have been constantly demeaned by people, and it's not fair. I don't hurt anyone. I'm trying to give Tyler back some of what he lost, the best way I know how. Jeez, people!!
And about my dad and how I mourn over him... That's almost one of those things I will seriously go crazy on someone about. Let's see... I lost years with my dad, yes, but I loved him still. I was half of him. Me being told that it doesn't make sense for me to miss him like I do... OH NO!!! Don't ever tell me that. Another hurtful thing- I am lucky to have recieved his retirement. Yes, I sat there just waiting for him to take his last breath so I could get my hands on his money. You caught me... NO!!!!! I loved my dad with all my heart. He made a lifestyle choice that cost him his life, but that doesn't change the feeling I have in my heart. I miss my dad everyday. And love him so much.
I hate being criticized about my coping methods and people I mourn the loss of. It's a sin against God, mostly. Think about it. I don't ever criticize how people cope. It's different for us all.
March 11, 2011
A Mother-Son Story (a tear-jerker)
This story really captured my heart. Makes me miss Carter so much. And my dad, too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said, "How is my little boy? Is he going to be alright? When can I see him?" The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care anymore? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"
The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to her son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to The University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend on more day with his mom.'" She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."
She walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat behind her in the car. The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:
* Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I love you." I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and all my stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things as boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This is a really neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD!! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you goodbye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what, Mom? God handed me some paper and his own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter of to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked him "Where was He when I needed Him?" God said he was in the same place with me as when his son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, and he always is with all his children. Oh, by the way, Mom, on one else can see what I've written...except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God his pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in The Book of Life. Tonight, I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore...and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when he sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The angel said "I was a special deliver!! How about that?
Signed with love from God, Jesus, & Me
--------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said, "How is my little boy? Is he going to be alright? When can I see him?" The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care anymore? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"
The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to her son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to The University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend on more day with his mom.'" She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."
She walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat behind her in the car. The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:
* Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I love you." I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and all my stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things as boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This is a really neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD!! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you goodbye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what, Mom? God handed me some paper and his own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter of to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked him "Where was He when I needed Him?" God said he was in the same place with me as when his son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, and he always is with all his children. Oh, by the way, Mom, on one else can see what I've written...except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God his pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in The Book of Life. Tonight, I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore...and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when he sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The angel said "I was a special deliver!! How about that?
Signed with love from God, Jesus, & Me
--------------------------------------------------------------------
March 10, 2011
God, Please Help Me Forgive
If there is one thing in this world that I struggle with, that's forgiveness. True forgiveness.
I forgive my kids at work for stuff all the time, but it's small things. That's not where my struggle lies. It's the big things. There are a few people in my life that I hold many grudges against. I haven't been able to forgive them of the hurtful things they have done.
I don't want to hold grudges. You can't go to Heaven holding a grudge. Again, it's a very difficult struggle. I work on it, them something else happens and it's like my work was destroyed.
I know where key verses in the Bible are that refer to forgiveness. I read them, I know them, but I don't follow them. I HAVE tried, but apparently not hard enough.
This is something that I'm going to try, once again, to accomplish. The hardest part I think is going to be having the strength to let them know that I have forgiven them. When I actually have. Once and for all.
God give me strength.
Prayers.
I forgive my kids at work for stuff all the time, but it's small things. That's not where my struggle lies. It's the big things. There are a few people in my life that I hold many grudges against. I haven't been able to forgive them of the hurtful things they have done.
I don't want to hold grudges. You can't go to Heaven holding a grudge. Again, it's a very difficult struggle. I work on it, them something else happens and it's like my work was destroyed.
I know where key verses in the Bible are that refer to forgiveness. I read them, I know them, but I don't follow them. I HAVE tried, but apparently not hard enough.
This is something that I'm going to try, once again, to accomplish. The hardest part I think is going to be having the strength to let them know that I have forgiven them. When I actually have. Once and for all.
God give me strength.
Prayers.
Heavy On Our Hearts
Carter has been on our minds, very much, lately. A couple weeks ago, before his first birthday, Tyler told me that when I was ready, he was ready for us to have a baby. I'm ready in some ways, but not in others. God will let it happen when it's supposed to happen. I was a little shocked that he said that seeing as how hard it's been on him with Carter. But he realized there is no better feeling than being a parent, and he knows he'll appreciate our baby, and get another chance to do the things he missed out on with Carter.
We started contemplating baby names. Talking out combinations.
[ 5 names.. 2 boys, 3 girls.. ]
I've always wanted a boy, and I know he'll love another boy. Of course, we'll love either just the same. I just think there is a special bond between and mother and son. (and I'm not a huge fan of pink)
We talk all the time about the things Carter would be doing if he was here. Talking & walking (hopefully), playing outside in the grass, throwing our phones in the toilet, terrorizing JJ. Amidst all of those thoughts, we still see a 5 month old baby, or at least I do. Doctors saying he would always have problems and probably be blind and/or paralyzed. So it's hard to think how things would be. I caught myself last week on his birthday saying "this wasn't supposed to happen." The hardest thing to realize in life is that everything that happens, IS supposed to happen. It's a tough realization.
So, whether we have our goals accomplished or not, baby will come
when God wants him/her to. It'll happen whether we want it to or not. We aren't as powerful as we thought.. Ha!!
Please continue to pray for us as we approach this new journey.
We started contemplating baby names. Talking out combinations.
[ 5 names.. 2 boys, 3 girls.. ]
I've always wanted a boy, and I know he'll love another boy. Of course, we'll love either just the same. I just think there is a special bond between and mother and son. (and I'm not a huge fan of pink)
We talk all the time about the things Carter would be doing if he was here. Talking & walking (hopefully), playing outside in the grass, throwing our phones in the toilet, terrorizing JJ. Amidst all of those thoughts, we still see a 5 month old baby, or at least I do. Doctors saying he would always have problems and probably be blind and/or paralyzed. So it's hard to think how things would be. I caught myself last week on his birthday saying "this wasn't supposed to happen." The hardest thing to realize in life is that everything that happens, IS supposed to happen. It's a tough realization.
So, whether we have our goals accomplished or not, baby will come
when God wants him/her to. It'll happen whether we want it to or not. We aren't as powerful as we thought.. Ha!!
Please continue to pray for us as we approach this new journey.
March 9, 2011
Ahhhhh!!!
7.5 hours with 3-4 year olds
Screaming at the top of my lungs because they REFUSE to listen
Shopping for jeans
Going to pick up dinner
Homework
A severe lack of sleep
I think I need a break... Maybe?
Screaming at the top of my lungs because they REFUSE to listen
Shopping for jeans
Going to pick up dinner
Homework
A severe lack of sleep
I think I need a break... Maybe?
March 4, 2011
11 Step Program For Those Thinking of Becoming Parents
I thought this was too funny.. But, I still can't wait!!!
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!
March 3, 2011
The Past Week
Well, needless to say, it's been a rough past week. It's not like me to go a week without blogging. I just haven't had much inspiration, or time, to get on and post everything. My mind is so cluttered.
Anyway, I've recently started a new project that will be done in August, maybe July. I am pretty excited about it. I kind of already gave up on my 30 day challenge (I can't commit to daily things much anymore :/ ). But this project is one that I've never done before, and I am excited to see how it turns out.
As everyone (or most) knows, Carter's first birthday was on Tuesday. It was a sad day, but we made it through the day without "losing it." I kind of got a little bit of anger directed towards me. Some that was completely unnecessary. But I guess when you are hurt and anger, things are said, some things that aren't meant. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. Either way, it didn't stop me from caring for Carter, nor did it effect my appreciation for prayers that were said for Tyler and I. God knows the truth, and he is taking care of everything. And that's what I have to believe. Tuesday was a day of reflection and prayer, not for family feud. We all love him and miss him very much despite what the other side says.
Moving on.
I have debated on whether to publicly announce something that has me very excited (I doubt it's what your thinking). Few already know.
Nahhhhh, I'll wait....
Meanwhile, we are slowly, but surely accomplishing goals that we have made for ourselves, together and separately. We are adding to the list frequently, and subtracting at the same pace. In a little over a month and a half, we will be on our way to considerably lower payments on our monthly bills. Oh yeah, you don't even have to ask. EXCITED!!!
Soon, my hubby and I are going to start seeing a therapist. And for you people who think therapy is only for nutjobs and such, (sadly mistaken). Some yes, but mostly, no. I get tired of hearing that. And the "What?? I thought you were going to school to be a psychiatrist. Why would you need one?" The answer: Because death of a loved one will take its toll on you, sinking in debt will too. Problems as such will cause sleepless nights and irritability, and why am I explaining myself? There is nothing wrong with needing to talk to an outside source. Psychology and psychiatry isn't always concrete. Our marriage is in no way in jeopardy. These are just personal struggles that we both have, we both understand, but we are past the point of being able to help each other through them, and that's okay.
Last, but not least, I have started the MINOR planning for our first wedding anniversary party.. Details TBA!!
Okay, I think I've just about updated everything. I'm ready to start writing again. Bring it on, inspiration!! (And I'll be blogging about therapy once it starts)
God Bless
Anyway, I've recently started a new project that will be done in August, maybe July. I am pretty excited about it. I kind of already gave up on my 30 day challenge (I can't commit to daily things much anymore :/ ). But this project is one that I've never done before, and I am excited to see how it turns out.
As everyone (or most) knows, Carter's first birthday was on Tuesday. It was a sad day, but we made it through the day without "losing it." I kind of got a little bit of anger directed towards me. Some that was completely unnecessary. But I guess when you are hurt and anger, things are said, some things that aren't meant. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. Either way, it didn't stop me from caring for Carter, nor did it effect my appreciation for prayers that were said for Tyler and I. God knows the truth, and he is taking care of everything. And that's what I have to believe. Tuesday was a day of reflection and prayer, not for family feud. We all love him and miss him very much despite what the other side says.
Moving on.
I have debated on whether to publicly announce something that has me very excited (I doubt it's what your thinking). Few already know.
Nahhhhh, I'll wait....
Meanwhile, we are slowly, but surely accomplishing goals that we have made for ourselves, together and separately. We are adding to the list frequently, and subtracting at the same pace. In a little over a month and a half, we will be on our way to considerably lower payments on our monthly bills. Oh yeah, you don't even have to ask. EXCITED!!!
Soon, my hubby and I are going to start seeing a therapist. And for you people who think therapy is only for nutjobs and such, (sadly mistaken). Some yes, but mostly, no. I get tired of hearing that. And the "What?? I thought you were going to school to be a psychiatrist. Why would you need one?" The answer: Because death of a loved one will take its toll on you, sinking in debt will too. Problems as such will cause sleepless nights and irritability, and why am I explaining myself? There is nothing wrong with needing to talk to an outside source. Psychology and psychiatry isn't always concrete. Our marriage is in no way in jeopardy. These are just personal struggles that we both have, we both understand, but we are past the point of being able to help each other through them, and that's okay.
Last, but not least, I have started the MINOR planning for our first wedding anniversary party.. Details TBA!!
Okay, I think I've just about updated everything. I'm ready to start writing again. Bring it on, inspiration!! (And I'll be blogging about therapy once it starts)
God Bless
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