Putting a thought to rest

Almost a year ago, I look back on the post that I did about tocophobia (the fear of being pregnant). One of the first and most common questions that people ask us is when we are going to try to have a baby.

We don't know.

I have talked to a few of the girls that I work with about my fear of being pregnant. The post says it all. The reasons why I am scared are pretty clear. They may not be easily understood, but they are existent and that is all there is to it. I can't help how I feel. But... I am trying to work on putting that thought to rest. I don't want to fear such a great thing. I don't want to deprive myself and Tyler of the joy of being parents because of my own insecurities and selfishness. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. Right now we are trying to prevent it, but we will be told when we are ready. We just have a lot to work out and accomplish before we have kids. We want our child(ren) to have the life that he/she/they deserve. We want to be able to provide for them and not have to struggle like we feel like we would now. Right now I am satisfied with dealing with the babies at work. I love them and I am learning a lot before I get to experience it myself.

Finally accepted it..

Most of you know that I have struggled with "baby fever" for quite some time now. People make jokes about it, but I was becoming an emotional wreck because I couldn't be a mother when I wanted to be.  I want to be a mother, don't get me wrong, but I have finally accepted that this is not the time.  I'm sure that I will have my good days and bad, just like anything else, but it is a relief to know that I accepted that my time will come.  Again, we need to let things settle down before we take on the responsibility of a child for eighteen years.  Only four years ago was I eighteen.  Seems like it took forever to get there.  I have prayed about this endlessly and I have finally received an answer that I am content with.  I won't use the work "happy."  I am content.  Other than praying about it, I have received several signs that this is not the time. One of the new girls at work today told me that she loves her son with all of her heart, but it is like having a job 24/7, only she doesn't get paid for part of it.  She said that if I have the option to wait, then wait.  I have the option of not dealing with kids after six o'clock every night.  I have friends with kids. I can get my fix in at work and with my friend's kids. I have felt guilty for a while too. I am not sure why I allowed myself to feel guilty about something like this, but that uncertainty didn't stop me from feeling that way.  I think it is because I have so many girls around me with kids, most in which were not planned, so I feel like I was being selfish by saying that I didn't want to try to have a kid. But now I realize, I am selfish, and that is okay. I am not ready for my body to go through that, especially with the problems that I have anyway. I want to finish my education before I have a baby because I want to be able to spend my time with him/her instead of trying to juggle first-time motherhood, a full-time job (I would hope), and being a student.  I wouldn't have time to be selfish then, but I have a feeling I would grow bitter because of exhaustion. I get stressed out too easily. We have to deal with the financial aspect of it as well. Someone once told me that you are never financially ready for a child. I know people who save for years just for that. They have been just fine. You can be financially ready. But that is another conversation. And I've saved this part for last- Carter. I have put so much into keeping his memory alive, that I am honestly deep down afraid that I wouldn't have time to do all of what I do if we have a baby.  That sounds crazy, but it's a real fear. I will never forget him; nobody will.  But it is just like having another child once you have had your first. You still pay attention to the oldest, but it is not all about him/her anymore. Even if Tyler and I only have one child, he will still have two. We will style have two to love and cherish. Carter is not gone. I like to think of him as hiding in the clouds. (Shut up). When you are lost on how to cope with a loss like that, you try to put a little bit of humor to the situation. (Nothing wrong with that). Enough time has not passed in Tyler's eyes, and while I said that I was selfish, I am not that selfish. I respect his wishes and his feelings as far as having a baby goes. We have agreed that if it happens unexpectedly, that we would make it work, but we have so much going on with just us that it would not be good to have one more thing to worry about. In saying all of that, I hope that y'all have realized that I have truly accepted that it is not our time.  It is hard for me to accept anything that goes against what I am passionate about. This is a huge thing for me, and I proud of myself for coming to this conclusion.

Tocophobia

Tocophobia- the fear of being pregnant... (Don't laugh)

I've always wanted children. Or at least I thought so. I don't know. It's all a confusing situation. Honestly, I'm scared of being a mother. But if I never choose to have children, I'm afraid I'll regret it. I'm afraid of a lot of things. And instead of people supporting me, I get the "well, you'll grow out of that." Maybe so. Probably so. But who is to say? I can't help my fears. It's not like this is riding a bike for the first time. This is about changing my life forever. Both of our lives. Taking care of another life that needs so much.

Fears:
•Gaining weight... I've never weighed more than 125 lbs.. (call me stupid)
•Giving up our freedom... Once he/she is in there, there's no going back. You have to see it til the end. We love living our life- just us two. We enjoy our time together. Our selfish time.
•Are we right for the job?
•Will Tyler love our baby as much as he loved Carter? ...(we have had that talk, & as I suspected, I over thought it.. & I know he would love our baby the same.. The fear still remains though)
•Will I be able to carry to term without complications?
•Will we feel the obligation to tell him/her about Carter?
•Will I be able to see my baby grow up?
•Would my body be able to handle it? (I have been tested for lupus a few times, and nothing was actually confirmed, but I am not physically strong, and have serious aches and pains that are unexplained).
•Will we be ready?
•Will we be happy, or will I spend my first months or years with post pardum depression?

I know this sounds crazy, because those who know me know that I absolutely LOVE kids. I've worked in 3 daycares, and currently work with Pre-k. And I study Developmental Psychology. I love kids. That's just me. But, I'm only responsible for caring for them during the day. I don't do this 24/7. At 6pm, I come home to Tyler and it's just us. I don't have the responsibility of another life. And, yes, I'm sorry, it's a relief. I'd already posted in a previous post about now not being the time for a baby. But I never mentioned some of this. But the  basis of this is indeed fear. I fear becoming pregnant. I feel very guilty about it too. Almost all my friends have kids. I don't want to rob my family of the joy of being a grandparents, aunts, uncles, 2nd cousins, greats... Etc. And for Tyler to be able to experience a second at being a father. But, again, it makes me sick to think I could become pregnant. At least until I can get over or control my fears.

Thanks to those who support me. Sorry to those who this offends. I pray for myself that I will be able to overcome this fear of mine, and that we will get to experience parenthood one day, because I do want it, my fear just overpowers it.

Again, thanks for your dedication to reading this.. Sorry it was so long :)

Life is Full of Wonderful Surprises

Let's just start by saying.. It's freakin Tuesday, almost Wednesday, and I feel like it's Friday..

That's always a cool feeling, yet disappointing when you realize your only half way through the week. It's been crazy, thus far. Monday, a very close friend of ours surprised us with a marriage license in which listed his name and the young lady's who sat across from us. SHOCK?? ....Ummmm, HELL YEAHHHHH!!! But we've chosen to support them, being the wonderful people we are. We know what it's like to fight odds, and criticism. And plus, how hard it can be at times.

Olivia Phoenix Persinger was born at 12:35am on February 8 at 7lbs 7oz 20in. She is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. I ended up going alone to see her. Tyler couldn't handle the hospital/baby situation again. It was hard for me too. But I wanted to see her. Did I mention how beautiful she is? Maybe not enough. She is so beautiful. I got her to make some puckery faces ;) too cute!! I am so happy for Drew and Monica. They are going to be amazing parents.

Well, I'm not sure that anything more major than a birth and a marriage has happened this week. I have to say that until this afternoon, my brain was in complete overload. I think I'm calm now.

Ok, goodnight :)

Prayers

I'm starting to have a really difficult time handling things. Tyler tries to keep me on the positive side, but it doesn't always work. I don't even know why I worry about certain things either. It's pointless and a total waste of energy. I just want to relax again. We're slowly but surely getting ourselves out of debt. Trying to get all the past paid off. Yes, I'm helping pay stuff that I wasn't involved in. You shouldn't ask why. It's pretty obvious. Some of them are coming close to being paid off :). So again, I don't know why I get so upset. Maybe it's because I've been sick on and off for a while and I'm not only physically worn out, but mentally and emotionally. We've got a lot going on in our lives. I think both of us feel a little overwhelmed at times. But I have faith, even if only a little, that things will work themselves out. They always do. 

We have a busy week ahead of us. Today, Tyler starts back in college :) So proud of him!! Olivia will be here after 5 tonight.. & along with everyone else, we are so ready to meet her. It's gonna be a tear fest I'm sure. She'll be the first baby that Tyler has held since Carter. I pray he'll be ok to hold her. I've had to make myself be ok with it. She'll be beautiful!! This week, we start paying bills for the month. It's never been as scary as it is now. Again, I'm sure it'll work itself out. Afterall, our tax refunds come in this week :). 

I also have another thing thats weighing on my mind. An old friend called me out of the blue and came by the other day. Part of me wasn't all excited to see her. I'm hoping that's because I was sick and didn't want company really. Because if it's not, I'm gonna be made to feel like crap for something I can't control. You can't make yourself happy about something. Can you? 

Anyway, that's all I've got. A lot on my mind. Trusting God will pull us through this, and give us strength when we are weak. 

There is a God... How Much Proof Do You Need?

A very close friend of mine from HSU introduced me the fabulous man you hear in this video. He came to our wedding, and I so wish I knew him better at the time. I wanted a wedding singer so bad. (My military singers had to back out a couple months before so I said forget it).

Anyway, I had been watching his YouTube uploads of songs people had been requesting him to sing. At this point, I had only heard him sing songs that were performed by male artists. I asked him if he could sing a song performed by a female vocalist. Before I saw his comment, I saw that he had uploaded "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. It was beautiful. I knew then that I wanted him to sing my favorite song which is "There is a God" by Leann Womack. Very few times can I hear this song without getting chills or a few tears.

This song means a lot to me. I've had the hardest time explaining to people why it hits me so hard just because I don't know how to word my thoughts correctly. Irony is probably the best word to describe it.

When Tyler got the call that Carter's mom was in labor, he headed to Russellville for the night. From about noon when he left until around 5PM when he got home after Carter was born, I heard this song 3 times. Once on YouTube and twice on the radio. From then on, I associated this song with Carter. After his death in August, I had no idea that this song was going to actually mean something. I ended up using part of the lyrics on a Christmas project that I created for Tyler. It all fell too into place. It was almost like... I don't know. It's had me wondering. But it's all too true. There is a God, and so
many things around to prove it.

WE MISS YOU SO MUCH, CARTER!! Your that proof that God is good!! SEE YOU AGAIN SOON, LITTLE MAN!!

The Original Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s9l5EvHeQs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Anthony's A Capella: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEnM5elRysk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

February

This month is going to be CRAAAAZYYY!!

Week 1 of the month of February is National Baby Week... How ironic!! Olivia is due this Saturday, the 5th.. Today, the 1st, Carter would have been 11 months old.. Wish he was here!!

Today is also a good friend ours' birthday.. Happy 20th Drew!!

Valentine's Day is less than 2 weeks away, and I have to get everything ready for that..

The trial for Carter's death is in 3 weeks, & things are pretty iffy.. Here, emotions are running high, and thoughts about it are all over the place.. We don't know!!

Kayla is due to have Riley anywhere from 3-4 weeks from now..

Other things, remain untold, for now ;)

Maternal Instincts?!?

Sara Blaffer Hrdy, a professor emeritus of anthropology at the University of California at Davis said, “A woman who is committed to being a mother will learn to love any baby, whether it's her own or not; a woman not committed to or prepared for being a mother may well not be prepared to love any baby, not even her own."


I'm not going to sit here and say that maternal instinct IS real, but there is a feeling there somewhere that I didn't have 5 months ago.  Not until Carter went into the hospital.  It was obvious that he would be placed in a new home after what happened.  DHS reassured us of that.  And when we heard that... relief!!! All Tyler said for a couple days was "That's my boy, he'll never be normal again."  He may have not ever led a normal life, but he was loved more than any human being I'd met in the past 21 years of my life.  And when I heard the words "We're gonna get him," it hit me.  I'm not a biological mother to any child.  But I was going to be a primary caregiver to my soon-to-be stepson.  Not only for the love of Tyler, but for the love of children period, I was willing to give up everything to help raise Carter.  And that joy was taken away from us.  I am not all too concerned with what people think about how I react to the situation.  Tyler understands and so do our closest friends.  That's all I care about.  No, Carter is not my son, but I am married to his father, which makes him a big part of my life, too.  Simple fact. 


Hrdy says: "Mothers do not automatically and unconditionally respond to giving birth in a nurturing way.”  She agrees that there are maternal responses, but thinks they are biologically conditioned, and doesn't consider it as an instinct. 


I haven't carried a baby for 9 months of my life.  So I don't know what it's like to have that bond.  And I never expect to automatically know what to do when the time does come.  It's a learning process, like anything else.  But I do respond to things in a much different way since July 25th.  I handle my babies at work a lot differently.  I handle all my younger children differently.  I have always been good with kids, and loved them all unconditionally, as if they were my own.  But I am a lot more protective of them now, I think. 


I don't want to start talking in circles, so I'm gonna wrap this up.  It was just a thought that was fresh on my mind, after talking to Tyler about it last night.  But, whether anyone agrees with me or understands, my thoughts are not going to change.  And like I said, the ones who are the closest to me, understand, and that's all that matters.