Life Goes On..

My thoughts are all over the place right now. I was feeling all sorts of negative emotions yesterday. I still have a little bit of them lingering into today. I was angry, hurt, heartbroken, offended, PISSED OFF!!! It was way less than what I expected it to be. But like I said, life goes on. I will keep on doing what I do to keep Carter's memory alive...for Tyler. He is my husband and that is my role as his wife...to protect him, to take care of him, to support him. I have done just that. Everyone in this town and beyond knows that is the deal. They have their opinions of us and we clearly have our opinions of them. Neither really matter in the end. We can't send each other to Heaven or Hell. We know that they will get what is coming to them. We are just waiting patiently...and impatiently...for that something to happen.

We love you, Carter Greyson. Watch over all of us and try to keep us in line and help this all end and be about you forever. I want the drama and persecution to stop!!!

A Very Proud Wife

I debated whether to post this because of how sensitive the subject is and the risk of some people seeing it that don't really need to. But I have to say that I am very proud of Tyler for a decision that he has made. Next month I am going up to Carter's, Wendy's (Tyler's mom), and Romine's (Tyler's stepdad) graves to put up new flowers and to clean around the sites. Tyler and I had not even been dating very long and he took me to his mom's and stepdad's graves on Christmas day when we were up in Russellville to visit his family. He said that not many people have come with him to visit them. I knew that he trusted me to treat him right or he would not have shared something like that with me. At the time, Carter wasn't even born, but less than a year later, we buried him. So we have a lot of flower arrangements to do. I knew that Tyler wouldn't mind going to his mom and Romine's grave, but he had clearly stated that he would never go to Carter's grave, not because he didn't love him (I don't want people to think that), but because it is very hard for him. If you have never been through something like that, you will never understand. He said that going to see his grave would just make it even more real to him that Carter is gone. I found the strength in myself to go up there to put flowers up for fall, but I couldn't do it by myself. Mom told me something one day that made total sense to me; that women tend to put themselves in the uncomfortable positions to preserve the feelings of the guy. This is one thing that I don't mind doing for Tyler. I know that it is hard for him and I have supported that. But he has agreed to go with me when I go next month. I am proud of him for feeling like he might have the strength to do this. I told him that this would either be something that once he experienced it that he would never do it again, or it will turn out to be easier than he thought. I hope that everything turns out as planned and that he will rely on me to keep him strong. I hope that it is going to be easier than he thought. I ask that everyone keep us in your prayers while we are still going through the grieving process.

2012 for Carter

Things have been so crazy the past couple months (every since we moved into the new house) and I have completely sucked a putting together monthly giveaways in honor of Carter. I honestly don't know if it is something that is truly in my heart to do. There is no right way to say that (or at least I can't find the words to say what I mean). I know that Tyler's way completely in favor of doing the memorial events that we did for Carter's first year in Heaven.

My question for everyone is... should I continue the giveaways and under what terms?

Should I do something else each month... make something for Carter?
Or should I just "forget" about it?

I do realize that we do not have to do physical things to keep him in our memory. We will always remember him. That is not even in question. I know the decision will ultimately be what my heart tells us to do, but I think we need a little guidance from our friends and family. "Whatever you feel is best" or "Whatever you want to do" are not things that I want to hear. If I did what I wanted to do then I wouldn't be asking for personal opinions. I really would like some opinions and some guidance through this.

It is something that I have had on my heart for a long time. It will always be on my heart.

If Heaven had a phone number...

I have seen people post this status several times but I had a genuine conversation with someone about this the other day. She asked me if Heaven had a phone number who are three people I would call and what would I ask them or talk to them about? It didn't take much thought, but I was glad to have the conversation with her. So, to answer for everyone else, if Heaven had a phone number, I would call Carter, my dad, and my mother-in-law.

To Carter, I would ask him how he was doing and tell him that I love him very much. I would tell him how wonderful his daddy is. I would let him know that we think about him everyday. I would tell him about all of the things that we have done to keep his memory alive. I would ask him who hurt him. I would ask him if he realized that his daddy and I had his best interest at heart and trusted that we love him dearly. I would ask him if he is proud of both of us (mainly Tyler).

To my dad, I would also tell him that I love and miss him. I would ask him why he didn't want to quit smoking and drinking so much. I would ask him what his one piece of sound advice would be. I would ask him if he was proud of me for picking such an amazing man to be part of my life. I would ask him what the one thing he could do if he came back on Earth would be. I would ask him if he remembered us being in the hospital with him while he took his final breaths. I would ask him if he still loves my mom.

To my mother-in-law, I would tell her that I wish I could have met her. I would tell her that I have found an amazing partner in her son. I would tell her to that she was a very beautiful woman. I would ask her if she is proud of her son and all of his accomplishments. I would ask her if she approves of me to be her daughter-in-law. I would also ask her what would be the one thing she would do if she could come back on this Earth for a moment.

I know that it seems like I live off of "what-ifs." I honestly think that a lot of people do. We just don't all like to be honest about how we truly feel about many things. I am not afraid to express my feelings and talk to people who "aren't there." It is a part of life. It is not weird to write letters to people who have passed, nor is it weird to just sit down, look up, or close your eyes and just talk to that person. Personally, it is a good way of coping for me. That's all I have to say about that.

So, if Heaven had a phone number, who are three people that you would call and what would you say to them or ask them?

Dreams

Dreams, dreams, dreams. I swear I have one every night. One night I wish I could just relax and sleep and not have to dream. Last night...this morning actually...I got to see Carter in my dreams. It was a bittersweet moment. We only know what he looks like up to 5 months and 3 days old. But somehow, I got to see him at 22 months old and I dreamt of him just like I would imagine what he would look like. I woke up with a few tears this morning. I got to run and play with him. I got to have him lay down and take a nap with me. I wish that I didn't have to dream. I wish that Tyler didn't have to imagine. I wish that he could be here right now and have everything perfect. How good is it to wish something that isn't going to come true? It will eventually be true though. We will have him back in Heaven. Things will be perfect one day. We will be living the dream instead of dreaming the dream. I can't wait for that day.

Toy Cars & Water Guns

Ever since before Carter was born, all Tyler could talk about are things that he wanted to do with him and what kind of toys he wanted to buy him. Christmas is one of the hardest times for Tyler, whether he shows it or not. It seems like everywhere we go, he is picking up big toys saying "If Carter were here..." He smiles when he says it because I can tell he thinks about the fun he would be having, but you know it has to hurt him deep down. There really isn't much to say about it. It is what it is.

It's a feeling that cannot be explained, nor can be understood by anyone who has never experienced something like this. I have said that so many times that it is probably becoming annoying. But it's true. It's hard. There is no other word that fits the situation as much as...hard. Everyone who is able to buy toys for their child(ren) this year, cherish it. You don't know how lucky you are. You really cannot imagine your life without them.

So, we will just have to settle with our imaginary moments, what we think things would be like, and be thankful that we DO know where to find him. We are only spending our days without him in our presence. He is still...and always...in our hearts.

We love you, Carter Greyson Shaw!! Merry 2nd Christmas, baby!!!

Thankfulness & Emptiness

After settling down from a very long day, I now have time to sit down and get this out of my head. I am so grateful that I was able to spend this day with my husband, two of our best friends, one of their mother's, my mom, my sister and brother-in-law. It was a very long and exhausting day preparing our dinner tonight, but I am thankful that it turned out amazing and delicious.

In the midst of all of this thankfulness, I could not help but to wonder how things would be if Carter were here. We got to see pictures of one of our best friends daughter with whipped cream all over her face from eating her first piece of pumpkin pie. I only wish that we were able to experience something like that with Carter. I with that he were here to have been able to eat his first piece of turkey. There is a sense of emptiness most of the time, and especially around the holidays. Last year was really hard because it was the first set of holidays that we had to be without him. Not to say that we are not always going to be a little sad during the holidays, but I think now that we have gotten over the "first years" that it will get a little easier each time.

We did mention being thankful because Carter is in Heaven celebrating the holidays, but it is still not the same. We are naturally selfish people when it comes to the loss of a loved one. We want it all. We want them here. It is hard to think that God deserves your loved ones more than you do. But it is true.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving. Root on the Hogs tomorrow.

30 days of thankfulness- Day 7

Today, I am thankful for knowing where my daddy and Carter are. I am thankful everyday for this, but it has been on my mind almost all day. My daddy had made some mistakes in his life, but he was a good guy. He missed out on some of the most important years with my sister and I, but we got to be there with him for his last 4 months on this Earth. He was an amazing writer and had always wanted to go to school to be a minister. I have one existing friend who knew my dad. She thought as highly of him as my sister and I did. People automatically assume that whenever anyone dies, that they all go to Heaven. I think that it is a wishful thought for some because they do not want to think that their loved one is in Hell. I know that my dad is in Heaven with Carter watching over all of us. Tyler said that one of the most comforting feelings despite all of the discomfort of his loss is that he can honestly say he knows where Carter is. He has explained to many people that not all parents know where their children go whenever they pass before the parents. Some parents have to worry about their children whenever they are out doing drugs and other things that are sinful. Tyler, or anyone for that matter, does not have to worry about whether Carter is safe anymore. He is in God's hands and we know that for 100% fact. It is a very comforting feeling to know that if we ever want to see him again, we know what we have to do to get there. I cannot wait for the day that I get to be with my daddy again and get to see my beautiful stepson and actually get to hear him speak words and see him running around. I am thankful for that.

Putting a hold on the October giveaway

I apologize a million times already that I am going to have to cancel the giveaway this month. Tyler and I are moving into our new house and things are extremely hectic... and expensive!! I hope to get back doing it soon. It is something that really helps me and brings me joy. I want that joy in my life. I am sorry for those who have already entered for the giveaway. I hope that I have no disappointed anyone. It is just going to be too hard to have one this month, especially since we won't have Internet right away. I will be sure to let everyone know when I start another one.

Thanks!!

Heaven's Doves

I came across the site for Heaven's Doves. They are working on a dove for Carter. I've said before, one of the hardest things about losing someone is not having any new pictures of them. There are so many more pictures and videos of Carter than what we have right now, and hopefully soon we will get to obtain some of them. However, what pictures exist now, are all that will ever exist (unless we edit them and make new ones). Pictures are not everything, but they are cherished very much.

If you have lost a child, or know someone who has lost a child, this is a good site to go to. I can't wait to get Carter's dove in.

"Heaven's Doves"

Her Facebook page profile picture (in case you want to check the page out)

October Giveaway Thoughts

First off, I would like to thank the 12 mothers who entered for the first giveaway in honor of Carter. It was a huge success (in my opinion). I can't wait to start working on and deliver Mrs. Chelsea Coleman her picture frame for the beautiful Miss Madilynn.

October 15th is "Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day."  I want to do something really special this month. I do not have any friends that have lost a child after having spent time with him/her, but I know some who have had a pregnancy loss. So what I am trying to figure out is whether to have the rules set to those who have only had a pregnancy loss. My only worry about that is that she will not want to have something physical to remind her of that tragic time. I am up in the air about what to do for this one. I have been looking for inspiration.  When I get something figured out (which will have to be quick), I will post it. If there are any ideas that you have (only if you are not eligible to participate), let me know.

There is a God... How Much Proof Do You Need?

A very close friend of mine from HSU introduced me the fabulous man you hear in this video. He came to our wedding, and I so wish I knew him better at the time. I wanted a wedding singer so bad. (My military singers had to back out a couple months before so I said forget it).

Anyway, I had been watching his YouTube uploads of songs people had been requesting him to sing. At this point, I had only heard him sing songs that were performed by male artists. I asked him if he could sing a song performed by a female vocalist. Before I saw his comment, I saw that he had uploaded "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. It was beautiful. I knew then that I wanted him to sing my favorite song which is "There is a God" by Leann Womack. Very few times can I hear this song without getting chills or a few tears.

This song means a lot to me. I've had the hardest time explaining to people why it hits me so hard just because I don't know how to word my thoughts correctly. Irony is probably the best word to describe it.

When Tyler got the call that Carter's mom was in labor, he headed to Russellville for the night. From about noon when he left until around 5PM when he got home after Carter was born, I heard this song 3 times. Once on YouTube and twice on the radio. From then on, I associated this song with Carter. After his death in August, I had no idea that this song was going to actually mean something. I ended up using part of the lyrics on a Christmas project that I created for Tyler. It all fell too into place. It was almost like... I don't know. It's had me wondering. But it's all too true. There is a God, and so
many things around to prove it.

WE MISS YOU SO MUCH, CARTER!! Your that proof that God is good!! SEE YOU AGAIN SOON, LITTLE MAN!!

The Original Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s9l5EvHeQs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Anthony's A Capella: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEnM5elRysk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

February

This month is going to be CRAAAAZYYY!!

Week 1 of the month of February is National Baby Week... How ironic!! Olivia is due this Saturday, the 5th.. Today, the 1st, Carter would have been 11 months old.. Wish he was here!!

Today is also a good friend ours' birthday.. Happy 20th Drew!!

Valentine's Day is less than 2 weeks away, and I have to get everything ready for that..

The trial for Carter's death is in 3 weeks, & things are pretty iffy.. Here, emotions are running high, and thoughts about it are all over the place.. We don't know!!

Kayla is due to have Riley anywhere from 3-4 weeks from now..

Other things, remain untold, for now ;)

Scholarship Fund (Idea)

One of my goals in life is to start a scholarship fund. I dream big, I know. But this is something I have really wanted to do since I lost my dad. And after Tyler lost Carter, the idea remained on the table. It takes a large amount of money to start a scholarship fund. However, it's doable. My family is one of the most together and supportive families you'll ever meet. The money and support will be there if we decide to do this. Names haven't been discussed, nor has the purpose of it been discussed. The idea is just on the table, and being heavily thought about. Feel free to send your ideas or comments our way. Especially if you are familiar with both cases, have done work like this before, or are just simply interested in helping if this becomes set-in-stone.

Thanks

A Wonderful Christmas

This Christmas was wonderful!! Of course a few people were missing, and greatly missed, but we had a great time with our families. Friday night, we went to Dardanelle to my sister in laws, and had a great time, as usual. And Saturday, we had Christmas with my mom and sister. My uncle went to Huntsville, Alabama, where they had a good amount of snow on the ground christmas morning. It was Caleb's (9 years old) first time to see snow. We had lots of great food, movie time, and laughs over the past 3 days!! I enjoyed every bit of it. I know it's not about presents, but we all got a lot of good stuff. I've never had so much fun on Christmas as I did this year. I was so ready for it this year. It was kinda hard not having everyone together, and not having Carter, my dad, and my mother in law here. But it's ok. Part of Carter came back December 23rd. And my dad is everywhere I carry him, and Tyler and I went through old pictures of his mom a few nights ago. They were here. Just wish physically, ya know. Nevertheless, it was a great Christmas, as I said!! We already planned our Christmas tree for next year.... RAZORBACKS, baby!!!!!!! Can't wait. Hopefully we'll be in our new house by then. Which leads me to this... We're moving in June!! And WE ARE READY!! The most important thing in life is family. That's why. And the where is TBA!! Many happy Christmases to come :)) Hope everyones was great, too!!

To end, I want to congratulate our best friends Ashlyn Hammons & Justin Moore on their engagement.... It's about freakin time ;))) lol. Love y'all!!

Maternal Instincts?!?

Sara Blaffer Hrdy, a professor emeritus of anthropology at the University of California at Davis said, “A woman who is committed to being a mother will learn to love any baby, whether it's her own or not; a woman not committed to or prepared for being a mother may well not be prepared to love any baby, not even her own."


I'm not going to sit here and say that maternal instinct IS real, but there is a feeling there somewhere that I didn't have 5 months ago.  Not until Carter went into the hospital.  It was obvious that he would be placed in a new home after what happened.  DHS reassured us of that.  And when we heard that... relief!!! All Tyler said for a couple days was "That's my boy, he'll never be normal again."  He may have not ever led a normal life, but he was loved more than any human being I'd met in the past 21 years of my life.  And when I heard the words "We're gonna get him," it hit me.  I'm not a biological mother to any child.  But I was going to be a primary caregiver to my soon-to-be stepson.  Not only for the love of Tyler, but for the love of children period, I was willing to give up everything to help raise Carter.  And that joy was taken away from us.  I am not all too concerned with what people think about how I react to the situation.  Tyler understands and so do our closest friends.  That's all I care about.  No, Carter is not my son, but I am married to his father, which makes him a big part of my life, too.  Simple fact. 


Hrdy says: "Mothers do not automatically and unconditionally respond to giving birth in a nurturing way.”  She agrees that there are maternal responses, but thinks they are biologically conditioned, and doesn't consider it as an instinct. 


I haven't carried a baby for 9 months of my life.  So I don't know what it's like to have that bond.  And I never expect to automatically know what to do when the time does come.  It's a learning process, like anything else.  But I do respond to things in a much different way since July 25th.  I handle my babies at work a lot differently.  I handle all my younger children differently.  I have always been good with kids, and loved them all unconditionally, as if they were my own.  But I am a lot more protective of them now, I think. 


I don't want to start talking in circles, so I'm gonna wrap this up.  It was just a thought that was fresh on my mind, after talking to Tyler about it last night.  But, whether anyone agrees with me or understands, my thoughts are not going to change.  And like I said, the ones who are the closest to me, understand, and that's all that matters.

CARTER'S P0EM T0 TYLER!!!

It's amazing how something so little can make you fall so deep in love,

God's little miracle, sent from above.

A guaranteed smile that makes the butterflies dance,

You never want to look away, not even a glance.

You hold that tiny blessing, and can't do anything but grin,
You wondered for 9 months if he was going to have your eyes, your smile, you chin.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to you, the love of your life,
He's an angel in disguise, watching over you & your wife.

He's the wind in your hair, the taste of fresh air,

He's the sparkle in your eye, he's the happy spirit that will never die.

He's precious like his daddy, with that gleam in his eyes,
But we knew he'd be precious, that was no surprise.

A 5 month old can teach you so much,
All it takes is falluing in love after that first touch.

He's the most beautiful thing our eyes ever saw,
We love you always and forever, Carter Greyson Shaw.

:)
-Kim Shaw

Something Missing- A Bittersweet Christmas

First of all, people need to quit saying that I shouldn't miss Carter.  Yeah, he wasn't my son, but it still affects me.  I am married to his father.  And not the father that the Russellville Courier referred to in yesterday's paper.  Tyler is his father, not Jon.  I've been there through all of this.  Supported him to the best of my ability.  This Christmas is going to be hard.  This would've been his first Christmas.  It's killing Tyler.  He can't even buy him presents for his first.  He is still part of our family.  This just sucks really bad.  Being robbed of the joy of all the years to come.  All the Christmases, Birthdays, etc.  My anger is back obviously.  Last Christmas was hard enough going with Tyler to his mom's gravesite.  Now we just have another visit.  It's so unfair.  Of course, int he middle of me being upset about him, it makes me miss my dad.  It's just unfair how much is missing from us.  It's our first Christmas as a married couple.  It's supposed to be happy, and it will be, but sad in so many ways too.  It'll be bittersweet, to say the least.  Your daddy and I love you babyboy.  Miss you.  Merry Christmas!!