Having an only child..

For whatever reason last night, Tyler said that people between the ages of 27 and 36 are the happiest when they have their first child. Most people by then have their finances in order, most of their goals accomplished, and just all around more mature. He also said that he only wanted one. It'll be my first, his second. I'm okay with that. I want to be able to give all of my attention to one child. I know a lot of only children. Each of them is different. I looked up statistics about having only children. I was just curious as to what the advantages and disadvantages are. I was surprised at some.

Stigmas of the only child:

• The only child is selfish and spoiled
• The only child is lonely
• The only child is more agressive
• the only child has more of a tendency to play with imaginary friends
• The only child is sickly
• The only child is needy and clingy
• The only child will have problems socializing

Traits of the only child:

• Close to parents
• Self-controlled
• A leader
• Mature
• Dependable
• Demanding
• Unforgiving
• Private
• Sensitive
• Mature beyond their age

Disadvantages:

• Too much pressure from parents to perform well
• No one to grow up with- it would be more fun with brothers and sisters
• Loneliness
• Too quiet in the house after bein outside playing with friends
• Worried about being the sole caretaker of elderly parents
• Pressure to have children to carry on the family name
• Overprotective parents
• Harder to make friends
• Will never have nieces and nephews

Advantages:

• Glad to not have to deal with siblings
• Have friends who are like brothers and sisters but don't have to live together
• Very attached to parents, have a great relationship
• More awareness of self
• Have more help pursuing goals
• More independent
• Have parents undivided attention
• Don't have to share
• Don't have to compare myself to siblings
• Don't have to fight parents for conversation

I just thought this was all interesting. Like I said, I am happy with our decision to only want one child. Carter will always be in the picture, but as far as physically existing childre, one is our limit. We think of it like how we have JJ as our only cat. He gets all the attention that he wants and does not have to share. Yes, he gets bored whenever he doesn't have another cat to play with, but he loves being our boy. This is not to say that if we had more that one child unplanned that we would not be happy, but we are doing all that we can to only have one.

Finally accepted it..

Most of you know that I have struggled with "baby fever" for quite some time now. People make jokes about it, but I was becoming an emotional wreck because I couldn't be a mother when I wanted to be.  I want to be a mother, don't get me wrong, but I have finally accepted that this is not the time.  I'm sure that I will have my good days and bad, just like anything else, but it is a relief to know that I accepted that my time will come.  Again, we need to let things settle down before we take on the responsibility of a child for eighteen years.  Only four years ago was I eighteen.  Seems like it took forever to get there.  I have prayed about this endlessly and I have finally received an answer that I am content with.  I won't use the work "happy."  I am content.  Other than praying about it, I have received several signs that this is not the time. One of the new girls at work today told me that she loves her son with all of her heart, but it is like having a job 24/7, only she doesn't get paid for part of it.  She said that if I have the option to wait, then wait.  I have the option of not dealing with kids after six o'clock every night.  I have friends with kids. I can get my fix in at work and with my friend's kids. I have felt guilty for a while too. I am not sure why I allowed myself to feel guilty about something like this, but that uncertainty didn't stop me from feeling that way.  I think it is because I have so many girls around me with kids, most in which were not planned, so I feel like I was being selfish by saying that I didn't want to try to have a kid. But now I realize, I am selfish, and that is okay. I am not ready for my body to go through that, especially with the problems that I have anyway. I want to finish my education before I have a baby because I want to be able to spend my time with him/her instead of trying to juggle first-time motherhood, a full-time job (I would hope), and being a student.  I wouldn't have time to be selfish then, but I have a feeling I would grow bitter because of exhaustion. I get stressed out too easily. We have to deal with the financial aspect of it as well. Someone once told me that you are never financially ready for a child. I know people who save for years just for that. They have been just fine. You can be financially ready. But that is another conversation. And I've saved this part for last- Carter. I have put so much into keeping his memory alive, that I am honestly deep down afraid that I wouldn't have time to do all of what I do if we have a baby.  That sounds crazy, but it's a real fear. I will never forget him; nobody will.  But it is just like having another child once you have had your first. You still pay attention to the oldest, but it is not all about him/her anymore. Even if Tyler and I only have one child, he will still have two. We will style have two to love and cherish. Carter is not gone. I like to think of him as hiding in the clouds. (Shut up). When you are lost on how to cope with a loss like that, you try to put a little bit of humor to the situation. (Nothing wrong with that). Enough time has not passed in Tyler's eyes, and while I said that I was selfish, I am not that selfish. I respect his wishes and his feelings as far as having a baby goes. We have agreed that if it happens unexpectedly, that we would make it work, but we have so much going on with just us that it would not be good to have one more thing to worry about. In saying all of that, I hope that y'all have realized that I have truly accepted that it is not our time.  It is hard for me to accept anything that goes against what I am passionate about. This is a huge thing for me, and I proud of myself for coming to this conclusion.

Tocophobia

Tocophobia- the fear of being pregnant... (Don't laugh)

I've always wanted children. Or at least I thought so. I don't know. It's all a confusing situation. Honestly, I'm scared of being a mother. But if I never choose to have children, I'm afraid I'll regret it. I'm afraid of a lot of things. And instead of people supporting me, I get the "well, you'll grow out of that." Maybe so. Probably so. But who is to say? I can't help my fears. It's not like this is riding a bike for the first time. This is about changing my life forever. Both of our lives. Taking care of another life that needs so much.

Fears:
•Gaining weight... I've never weighed more than 125 lbs.. (call me stupid)
•Giving up our freedom... Once he/she is in there, there's no going back. You have to see it til the end. We love living our life- just us two. We enjoy our time together. Our selfish time.
•Are we right for the job?
•Will Tyler love our baby as much as he loved Carter? ...(we have had that talk, & as I suspected, I over thought it.. & I know he would love our baby the same.. The fear still remains though)
•Will I be able to carry to term without complications?
•Will we feel the obligation to tell him/her about Carter?
•Will I be able to see my baby grow up?
•Would my body be able to handle it? (I have been tested for lupus a few times, and nothing was actually confirmed, but I am not physically strong, and have serious aches and pains that are unexplained).
•Will we be ready?
•Will we be happy, or will I spend my first months or years with post pardum depression?

I know this sounds crazy, because those who know me know that I absolutely LOVE kids. I've worked in 3 daycares, and currently work with Pre-k. And I study Developmental Psychology. I love kids. That's just me. But, I'm only responsible for caring for them during the day. I don't do this 24/7. At 6pm, I come home to Tyler and it's just us. I don't have the responsibility of another life. And, yes, I'm sorry, it's a relief. I'd already posted in a previous post about now not being the time for a baby. But I never mentioned some of this. But the  basis of this is indeed fear. I fear becoming pregnant. I feel very guilty about it too. Almost all my friends have kids. I don't want to rob my family of the joy of being a grandparents, aunts, uncles, 2nd cousins, greats... Etc. And for Tyler to be able to experience a second at being a father. But, again, it makes me sick to think I could become pregnant. At least until I can get over or control my fears.

Thanks to those who support me. Sorry to those who this offends. I pray for myself that I will be able to overcome this fear of mine, and that we will get to experience parenthood one day, because I do want it, my fear just overpowers it.

Again, thanks for your dedication to reading this.. Sorry it was so long :)

A job that warms the heart

One of the greatest joys in my life is working with kids. Teaching is one of the most rewarding jobs out there. Of course you always have your "problem child(ren)," but you love them all. My first job, I worked with toddlers, my last job I worked with them all, and my current job I work with 4 year olds. This is my first week with them, and I'm already getting attached to them. Today, I had a little girl who was trying to get on the slide, but the slide didn't have a ladder. She couldn't quite get up there like everyone else. I knew she could do it and that all she needed was a little instruction and encouragement. With that, she succeeded!! And every time she would do it right, she would yell for me, and let me know. She was so excited, and was clapping her hands for herself. That warmed my heart. She learned something new. Twenty-eight snotty noses, twenty-eight smiling faces, fifty-six dirty hands. All worth my day. I love my job.

Maternal Instincts?!?

Sara Blaffer Hrdy, a professor emeritus of anthropology at the University of California at Davis said, “A woman who is committed to being a mother will learn to love any baby, whether it's her own or not; a woman not committed to or prepared for being a mother may well not be prepared to love any baby, not even her own."


I'm not going to sit here and say that maternal instinct IS real, but there is a feeling there somewhere that I didn't have 5 months ago.  Not until Carter went into the hospital.  It was obvious that he would be placed in a new home after what happened.  DHS reassured us of that.  And when we heard that... relief!!! All Tyler said for a couple days was "That's my boy, he'll never be normal again."  He may have not ever led a normal life, but he was loved more than any human being I'd met in the past 21 years of my life.  And when I heard the words "We're gonna get him," it hit me.  I'm not a biological mother to any child.  But I was going to be a primary caregiver to my soon-to-be stepson.  Not only for the love of Tyler, but for the love of children period, I was willing to give up everything to help raise Carter.  And that joy was taken away from us.  I am not all too concerned with what people think about how I react to the situation.  Tyler understands and so do our closest friends.  That's all I care about.  No, Carter is not my son, but I am married to his father, which makes him a big part of my life, too.  Simple fact. 


Hrdy says: "Mothers do not automatically and unconditionally respond to giving birth in a nurturing way.”  She agrees that there are maternal responses, but thinks they are biologically conditioned, and doesn't consider it as an instinct. 


I haven't carried a baby for 9 months of my life.  So I don't know what it's like to have that bond.  And I never expect to automatically know what to do when the time does come.  It's a learning process, like anything else.  But I do respond to things in a much different way since July 25th.  I handle my babies at work a lot differently.  I handle all my younger children differently.  I have always been good with kids, and loved them all unconditionally, as if they were my own.  But I am a lot more protective of them now, I think. 


I don't want to start talking in circles, so I'm gonna wrap this up.  It was just a thought that was fresh on my mind, after talking to Tyler about it last night.  But, whether anyone agrees with me or understands, my thoughts are not going to change.  And like I said, the ones who are the closest to me, understand, and that's all that matters.