Needing prayers

Friday evening I came home and Tyler informed me that his aunt called and told him that a very close friend of mine, Amber, had been in a bad car accident along with her 8 year old daughter, Jailey. Tyler's cousin text me yesterday and gave me an update. Not what I wanted to hear, but I was thankful for receiving an update. For those of you who haven't ever heard me talk about Amber, I think very highly of this lady. She has been the biggest support for us since Carter passed away. She is what a friend is supposed to be. Nothing less. She never gets annoyed when I talk about something. She always checks on me whenever she feels something isn't right. She met me and my best friend to go up to Carter's grave to decorate and clean. I have never heard anyone say a negative thing about her. They'd be lying if they did. Her daughter is the cutest and sweetest little girl. They didn't deserve this. Why do bad thinks happen to good people? The update I received last night said that Amber would be in ICU at St. Vincent's for 3-4 days and remain in the hospital for a few weeks following. She has internal injuries. Liver related. Jailey was at Children's for a broken back, a broken thumb, and a large cut on her face. She was able to come home today. We have been told that Amber is going to be okay. We just want everyone to keep them, their family, and close friends in your prayers. God will watch over them and work his miracles. We have to trust that. God is good.

We love you Amber & Jailey Garner <3

I have got to learn...

...that things do not have to be done as soon as they come into my mind. I am getting myself so worked up over things that are not worth getting worked up over. I let myself get so disappointed. I wear myself out. I have got to learn that worrying about things will get me nowhere. I have got to learn that I am not a screwup. I work very hard and wear my heart on my sleeve. I do things out of the goodness of my heart. I am a good person. I have got to learn that criticizing others about things in their life only makes me insecure and look stupid. I have got to learn to be more accepting of people's flaws. I don't want to lower my expectations of people, but I shouldn't be so quick to announce what those expectations are. I have got to learn to eliminate my distractions. I have got to learn that the more I worry about what others are saying behind my back or think about our situation, the more unhappy I will be. I have got to learn that God will take care of things the way they are meant to be taken care of.

I still have a lot to learn

Thank You

"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in time of trouble."- Psalm 9:9

We are feeling the prayers that are being said for us. Please continue to pray. We need all we can get. The prayers that were being said for Carter when he was in the hospital for those 10 long days, were amazing. He felt them, and along with his determination, and personal strength, they helped him hold on one day longer until he just couldn't do it anymore. We will never forget how much support we received during that time, and since then. 

In addition to the prayers about the trial, Carter's first birthday, and our strength to hold up through them, we are in the process of trying to find a house. We are getting into the final 3 months of being in this apartment. Hopefully our last!! We are working on getting our pre-approval letter this week. Fingers crossed for a sizable amount. 

Again, thanks to all that are praying. We love you all. If there is anything or anyone in your life that you would like for us to pray for, PLEASE ASK!! We'll be happy to. Comment, e-mail (Kimberly_shaw89@ymail.com), text, Facebook message. However you prefer.

-We will keep everyone posted-

GOD BLESS!!

Tocophobia

Tocophobia- the fear of being pregnant... (Don't laugh)

I've always wanted children. Or at least I thought so. I don't know. It's all a confusing situation. Honestly, I'm scared of being a mother. But if I never choose to have children, I'm afraid I'll regret it. I'm afraid of a lot of things. And instead of people supporting me, I get the "well, you'll grow out of that." Maybe so. Probably so. But who is to say? I can't help my fears. It's not like this is riding a bike for the first time. This is about changing my life forever. Both of our lives. Taking care of another life that needs so much.

Fears:
•Gaining weight... I've never weighed more than 125 lbs.. (call me stupid)
•Giving up our freedom... Once he/she is in there, there's no going back. You have to see it til the end. We love living our life- just us two. We enjoy our time together. Our selfish time.
•Are we right for the job?
•Will Tyler love our baby as much as he loved Carter? ...(we have had that talk, & as I suspected, I over thought it.. & I know he would love our baby the same.. The fear still remains though)
•Will I be able to carry to term without complications?
•Will we feel the obligation to tell him/her about Carter?
•Will I be able to see my baby grow up?
•Would my body be able to handle it? (I have been tested for lupus a few times, and nothing was actually confirmed, but I am not physically strong, and have serious aches and pains that are unexplained).
•Will we be ready?
•Will we be happy, or will I spend my first months or years with post pardum depression?

I know this sounds crazy, because those who know me know that I absolutely LOVE kids. I've worked in 3 daycares, and currently work with Pre-k. And I study Developmental Psychology. I love kids. That's just me. But, I'm only responsible for caring for them during the day. I don't do this 24/7. At 6pm, I come home to Tyler and it's just us. I don't have the responsibility of another life. And, yes, I'm sorry, it's a relief. I'd already posted in a previous post about now not being the time for a baby. But I never mentioned some of this. But the  basis of this is indeed fear. I fear becoming pregnant. I feel very guilty about it too. Almost all my friends have kids. I don't want to rob my family of the joy of being a grandparents, aunts, uncles, 2nd cousins, greats... Etc. And for Tyler to be able to experience a second at being a father. But, again, it makes me sick to think I could become pregnant. At least until I can get over or control my fears.

Thanks to those who support me. Sorry to those who this offends. I pray for myself that I will be able to overcome this fear of mine, and that we will get to experience parenthood one day, because I do want it, my fear just overpowers it.

Again, thanks for your dedication to reading this.. Sorry it was so long :)

Prayers

I'm starting to have a really difficult time handling things. Tyler tries to keep me on the positive side, but it doesn't always work. I don't even know why I worry about certain things either. It's pointless and a total waste of energy. I just want to relax again. We're slowly but surely getting ourselves out of debt. Trying to get all the past paid off. Yes, I'm helping pay stuff that I wasn't involved in. You shouldn't ask why. It's pretty obvious. Some of them are coming close to being paid off :). So again, I don't know why I get so upset. Maybe it's because I've been sick on and off for a while and I'm not only physically worn out, but mentally and emotionally. We've got a lot going on in our lives. I think both of us feel a little overwhelmed at times. But I have faith, even if only a little, that things will work themselves out. They always do. 

We have a busy week ahead of us. Today, Tyler starts back in college :) So proud of him!! Olivia will be here after 5 tonight.. & along with everyone else, we are so ready to meet her. It's gonna be a tear fest I'm sure. She'll be the first baby that Tyler has held since Carter. I pray he'll be ok to hold her. I've had to make myself be ok with it. She'll be beautiful!! This week, we start paying bills for the month. It's never been as scary as it is now. Again, I'm sure it'll work itself out. Afterall, our tax refunds come in this week :). 

I also have another thing thats weighing on my mind. An old friend called me out of the blue and came by the other day. Part of me wasn't all excited to see her. I'm hoping that's because I was sick and didn't want company really. Because if it's not, I'm gonna be made to feel like crap for something I can't control. You can't make yourself happy about something. Can you? 

Anyway, that's all I've got. A lot on my mind. Trusting God will pull us through this, and give us strength when we are weak.