Finally accepted it..

Most of you know that I have struggled with "baby fever" for quite some time now. People make jokes about it, but I was becoming an emotional wreck because I couldn't be a mother when I wanted to be.  I want to be a mother, don't get me wrong, but I have finally accepted that this is not the time.  I'm sure that I will have my good days and bad, just like anything else, but it is a relief to know that I accepted that my time will come.  Again, we need to let things settle down before we take on the responsibility of a child for eighteen years.  Only four years ago was I eighteen.  Seems like it took forever to get there.  I have prayed about this endlessly and I have finally received an answer that I am content with.  I won't use the work "happy."  I am content.  Other than praying about it, I have received several signs that this is not the time. One of the new girls at work today told me that she loves her son with all of her heart, but it is like having a job 24/7, only she doesn't get paid for part of it.  She said that if I have the option to wait, then wait.  I have the option of not dealing with kids after six o'clock every night.  I have friends with kids. I can get my fix in at work and with my friend's kids. I have felt guilty for a while too. I am not sure why I allowed myself to feel guilty about something like this, but that uncertainty didn't stop me from feeling that way.  I think it is because I have so many girls around me with kids, most in which were not planned, so I feel like I was being selfish by saying that I didn't want to try to have a kid. But now I realize, I am selfish, and that is okay. I am not ready for my body to go through that, especially with the problems that I have anyway. I want to finish my education before I have a baby because I want to be able to spend my time with him/her instead of trying to juggle first-time motherhood, a full-time job (I would hope), and being a student.  I wouldn't have time to be selfish then, but I have a feeling I would grow bitter because of exhaustion. I get stressed out too easily. We have to deal with the financial aspect of it as well. Someone once told me that you are never financially ready for a child. I know people who save for years just for that. They have been just fine. You can be financially ready. But that is another conversation. And I've saved this part for last- Carter. I have put so much into keeping his memory alive, that I am honestly deep down afraid that I wouldn't have time to do all of what I do if we have a baby.  That sounds crazy, but it's a real fear. I will never forget him; nobody will.  But it is just like having another child once you have had your first. You still pay attention to the oldest, but it is not all about him/her anymore. Even if Tyler and I only have one child, he will still have two. We will style have two to love and cherish. Carter is not gone. I like to think of him as hiding in the clouds. (Shut up). When you are lost on how to cope with a loss like that, you try to put a little bit of humor to the situation. (Nothing wrong with that). Enough time has not passed in Tyler's eyes, and while I said that I was selfish, I am not that selfish. I respect his wishes and his feelings as far as having a baby goes. We have agreed that if it happens unexpectedly, that we would make it work, but we have so much going on with just us that it would not be good to have one more thing to worry about. In saying all of that, I hope that y'all have realized that I have truly accepted that it is not our time.  It is hard for me to accept anything that goes against what I am passionate about. This is a huge thing for me, and I proud of myself for coming to this conclusion.