Putting a thought to rest

Almost a year ago, I look back on the post that I did about tocophobia (the fear of being pregnant). One of the first and most common questions that people ask us is when we are going to try to have a baby.

We don't know.

I have talked to a few of the girls that I work with about my fear of being pregnant. The post says it all. The reasons why I am scared are pretty clear. They may not be easily understood, but they are existent and that is all there is to it. I can't help how I feel. But... I am trying to work on putting that thought to rest. I don't want to fear such a great thing. I don't want to deprive myself and Tyler of the joy of being parents because of my own insecurities and selfishness. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. Right now we are trying to prevent it, but we will be told when we are ready. We just have a lot to work out and accomplish before we have kids. We want our child(ren) to have the life that he/she/they deserve. We want to be able to provide for them and not have to struggle like we feel like we would now. Right now I am satisfied with dealing with the babies at work. I love them and I am learning a lot before I get to experience it myself.

Prayers

I'm starting to have a really difficult time handling things. Tyler tries to keep me on the positive side, but it doesn't always work. I don't even know why I worry about certain things either. It's pointless and a total waste of energy. I just want to relax again. We're slowly but surely getting ourselves out of debt. Trying to get all the past paid off. Yes, I'm helping pay stuff that I wasn't involved in. You shouldn't ask why. It's pretty obvious. Some of them are coming close to being paid off :). So again, I don't know why I get so upset. Maybe it's because I've been sick on and off for a while and I'm not only physically worn out, but mentally and emotionally. We've got a lot going on in our lives. I think both of us feel a little overwhelmed at times. But I have faith, even if only a little, that things will work themselves out. They always do. 

We have a busy week ahead of us. Today, Tyler starts back in college :) So proud of him!! Olivia will be here after 5 tonight.. & along with everyone else, we are so ready to meet her. It's gonna be a tear fest I'm sure. She'll be the first baby that Tyler has held since Carter. I pray he'll be ok to hold her. I've had to make myself be ok with it. She'll be beautiful!! This week, we start paying bills for the month. It's never been as scary as it is now. Again, I'm sure it'll work itself out. Afterall, our tax refunds come in this week :). 

I also have another thing thats weighing on my mind. An old friend called me out of the blue and came by the other day. Part of me wasn't all excited to see her. I'm hoping that's because I was sick and didn't want company really. Because if it's not, I'm gonna be made to feel like crap for something I can't control. You can't make yourself happy about something. Can you? 

Anyway, that's all I've got. A lot on my mind. Trusting God will pull us through this, and give us strength when we are weak. 

Daily Thoughts, Unleashed

I have nothing to really post, single subject wise. I am kinda random today. I'm exhausted from this weekend. I can't concentrate on anything for a lengthy period of time.

Random thoughts of the day...

• Guys have it easy when they get their hair cut.. Women always get criticized about their hair being dry, needing color, etc. I have priorities, and spending $30 on their special shampoo that keeps my hair from drying out, isn't one of them.

• Little drunk girls who flirt with my husband when were out, crack me up. You may be young and cute, but he didn't get me by me being easy and obvious, so chances are he isn't attracted to you being that way.

• Celebrities don't give a shit about you.

• If you died tomorrow, it'd be a sad day for..... ?

• You shouldn't have to do whatever a
woman says to be considered a good dad.

• It's hard to come up with a first name that sounds good with Jill.

• Your opinion quit mattering over a year ago & won't ever matter again.

• You said I would never make anything of myself. What are you doing to make something of yourself?

• How do you get a DWI... For real?

• I'm ready to get out of this town & onto bigger & better things.

...GoodNight!!

Let's Be Honest Here..

This is one of those things you usually see on Facebook, but who says I can't post it here, huh?! :)

20 things I'd like to say to 20 people (names unlisted)... Here we go!!!

1. You're the most incredible person I've ever met.
2. You spend way to much time on the clock.
3. I wish you still lived close.
4. Your the best thing to happen to me.
5. I don't know how you live with yourself.
6. I wish you'd quit thinking your life is so horrible.
7. You don't need a man to make you feel confident.
8. I don't know how you live with yourself (repeated on purpose).
9. Running away from your problems doesn't make them go away.
10. I can't help you because you won't help yourself.
11. Your sarcasm makes me laugh.
12. Your too smart to be doing what you do.
13. You have no morals & are two-faced from hell.
14. I hope you get married soon.
15. You worry too much about other people & should take care of yourself once in a while.
16. You are in control of yourself; nobody makes you do/say the things you do/say.
17. You are too afraid to grow up.
18. You blame others too much.
19. Selfish people don't need to be in relationships.
20. You can take anything and make it funny somehow.

What would you say to me/us? Half will probably post anonymous anyway, so go for it!! (don't be unnecessary).

:)

What If?!

As a kid, you always asked "why?" to everything an adult said. It's a phase. But when does that phase end? Does it end? For some people?

I don't ask myself "why" as much anymore as I wonder "what if?"

I've been thinking about some "what-ifs."

What if I never got sick again?
What if I had a baby out of wedlock?
What if I never left HSU after my 1st semester?
What if I never met Tyler...Where would I be?
What if I had given up on him after all the bs I put up with?
What if my dad was still here?
What if Carter was still here?
What if I was still working at
Target?
What if I was still working at TLC?
What if I fought back every time someone talked their smack to me?
What if I didn't have a supportive family?
What if I never forgave anyone for anything again?
What if I still lived at home?
What if I didn't know anything in the Bible?
What if I never experienced pain again?
What if I didn't have friends?
What if I never had another job?
What if we never got JJ?
What if we would have moved to Dardanelle when we had planned on last year?

Answer: God made my life the way it is for a reason. These things did(n't) happen because I my life was meant to be like it is now. It's crazy, but I love it!!