Putting a thought to rest

Almost a year ago, I look back on the post that I did about tocophobia (the fear of being pregnant). One of the first and most common questions that people ask us is when we are going to try to have a baby.

We don't know.

I have talked to a few of the girls that I work with about my fear of being pregnant. The post says it all. The reasons why I am scared are pretty clear. They may not be easily understood, but they are existent and that is all there is to it. I can't help how I feel. But... I am trying to work on putting that thought to rest. I don't want to fear such a great thing. I don't want to deprive myself and Tyler of the joy of being parents because of my own insecurities and selfishness. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. Right now we are trying to prevent it, but we will be told when we are ready. We just have a lot to work out and accomplish before we have kids. We want our child(ren) to have the life that he/she/they deserve. We want to be able to provide for them and not have to struggle like we feel like we would now. Right now I am satisfied with dealing with the babies at work. I love them and I am learning a lot before I get to experience it myself.

Tocophobia

Tocophobia- the fear of being pregnant... (Don't laugh)

I've always wanted children. Or at least I thought so. I don't know. It's all a confusing situation. Honestly, I'm scared of being a mother. But if I never choose to have children, I'm afraid I'll regret it. I'm afraid of a lot of things. And instead of people supporting me, I get the "well, you'll grow out of that." Maybe so. Probably so. But who is to say? I can't help my fears. It's not like this is riding a bike for the first time. This is about changing my life forever. Both of our lives. Taking care of another life that needs so much.

Fears:
•Gaining weight... I've never weighed more than 125 lbs.. (call me stupid)
•Giving up our freedom... Once he/she is in there, there's no going back. You have to see it til the end. We love living our life- just us two. We enjoy our time together. Our selfish time.
•Are we right for the job?
•Will Tyler love our baby as much as he loved Carter? ...(we have had that talk, & as I suspected, I over thought it.. & I know he would love our baby the same.. The fear still remains though)
•Will I be able to carry to term without complications?
•Will we feel the obligation to tell him/her about Carter?
•Will I be able to see my baby grow up?
•Would my body be able to handle it? (I have been tested for lupus a few times, and nothing was actually confirmed, but I am not physically strong, and have serious aches and pains that are unexplained).
•Will we be ready?
•Will we be happy, or will I spend my first months or years with post pardum depression?

I know this sounds crazy, because those who know me know that I absolutely LOVE kids. I've worked in 3 daycares, and currently work with Pre-k. And I study Developmental Psychology. I love kids. That's just me. But, I'm only responsible for caring for them during the day. I don't do this 24/7. At 6pm, I come home to Tyler and it's just us. I don't have the responsibility of another life. And, yes, I'm sorry, it's a relief. I'd already posted in a previous post about now not being the time for a baby. But I never mentioned some of this. But the  basis of this is indeed fear. I fear becoming pregnant. I feel very guilty about it too. Almost all my friends have kids. I don't want to rob my family of the joy of being a grandparents, aunts, uncles, 2nd cousins, greats... Etc. And for Tyler to be able to experience a second at being a father. But, again, it makes me sick to think I could become pregnant. At least until I can get over or control my fears.

Thanks to those who support me. Sorry to those who this offends. I pray for myself that I will be able to overcome this fear of mine, and that we will get to experience parenthood one day, because I do want it, my fear just overpowers it.

Again, thanks for your dedication to reading this.. Sorry it was so long :)

What If?!

As a kid, you always asked "why?" to everything an adult said. It's a phase. But when does that phase end? Does it end? For some people?

I don't ask myself "why" as much anymore as I wonder "what if?"

I've been thinking about some "what-ifs."

What if I never got sick again?
What if I had a baby out of wedlock?
What if I never left HSU after my 1st semester?
What if I never met Tyler...Where would I be?
What if I had given up on him after all the bs I put up with?
What if my dad was still here?
What if Carter was still here?
What if I was still working at
Target?
What if I was still working at TLC?
What if I fought back every time someone talked their smack to me?
What if I didn't have a supportive family?
What if I never forgave anyone for anything again?
What if I still lived at home?
What if I didn't know anything in the Bible?
What if I never experienced pain again?
What if I didn't have friends?
What if I never had another job?
What if we never got JJ?
What if we would have moved to Dardanelle when we had planned on last year?

Answer: God made my life the way it is for a reason. These things did(n't) happen because I my life was meant to be like it is now. It's crazy, but I love it!!

We're Not Supposed To See Too Far Ahead

"God made the world round so we would never be able to see too far down the road." -Isak Dinesen

The future is one of the scariest, but most exciting things anyone can experience. The uncertainty of what is going to happen, not knowing whether you will be here next week or not. But God doesn't want us knowing what will happen because it doesn't really matter. He already has our future planned out and we can't change his plan for us. Whether you believe this or even believe in God, he believes in you.  You can't override his actions.  He doesn't want us knowing too much about our future because we need to live each day to the fullest. Love hard, argue little, laugh often. Tell someone you love them everyday. Tyler and I don't go to bed ever without a kiss and an "I love you." The future, to me, is very exciting. A new day, a new experience. Something new to learn. With God, your future is set and secure. At the end of our lives, where death would do us part, we will meet again in heaven. What could be better?!

Back on the House Hunt

We've been on a house hunt on and off for the past half a year or so.  But now, we're searching harder than ever!! Apartment life sucks, especially when you live in the ghetto.  Or at least that's what I consider it.  We found this home that's been on the market for a while now, and we love it, and are really leaning towards it, especially being a lease-to-own property. $154,000 - [I think we can manage ;)]

The wood burning fireplace

The enormous kitchen-- oh yeah!!!

The front of the house.. Isn't it prettier than an apartment?!

My Bucket List

Bucket list

1. Get life insurance
2. Buy a house
3. Go to the super bowl
4. Open my own daycare
5. Go to the summer olympics
6. Be a mother
7. Go to australia
8. Learn to speak fluent Spanish
9. Run a marathon (LR Marathon)
10. Save someone's life
11. Write a song
12. Swim with a dolphin
13. Go to New York for christmas or new years eve
14. Visit Niagra Falls
15. Go to Vegas
16. Go to Disney World
17. Take a cruise
18. Start a scholarship fund in memory of someone
19. Finish Project 365
20. Finish school, undergrad & grad school
21. Open my own practice
22. Retire before 65
23. Stand across a state line
24. Get my car paid off
25. Get our credit cards bills completely paid off
26. See Aerosmith in concert
27. Rescue an animal
28. Make my own wine
29. Get my PsyD
30. Write a Children's book
31. Get a poem published
32. Read the whole Bible
33. Organize a march against something
34. Take a random road trip out of state

All I have so far :)

Simple Isn't Our Style....

I miss how easy things used to be.  I miss being able to wake up, and my mom or dad dresses me, makes my breakfast, takes me to school.  I didn't have to buy my own clothes, my own food, and didn't have to put gas in my car.  Or even have a car.  I didn't have a care in the world. The most that would hurt my feelings is getting in trouble for something. So much different now. I wish things were easy, but I don't struggle alone. I'll never struggle alone. A year and a half ago, my life was completely different. I didn't think id give someone enough time to prove himself to the point where I knew I'd wanna spend the rest of my life him. I've never had a relationship so hard. But I don't regret a single big of it. I love Tyler with all my heart. And our promise was " for better or worse" and "through tough and easy." We have been through hell the past year. It's been one thing after another. But nothing so hard to cause a split. That's how I knew we were meant for each other. We even each other out. We both help each other through losses of loved ones. Everything were supposed to do.

We've struggled with finances; despite what people think, WERE NOT LOADED!!!!! We've struggled with the loss of Carter. Among other things. I don't wanna ever compare situations, but people don't think were having "that hard of a time." I try to keep things in perspective, but the higher the stress I'm under, the harder it is. That's what I have Tyler for. I keep telling myself that it can only get better. It's about time for something large to go right for us. Like getting into the house we want. That'd be ideal. I know there will always be someone out there worse off, but that doesn't mean my problems and concerns don't matter. And that's what I wish people would realize.

Tyler and I really are doing well for a young married couple. We work through our problems, and sometimes we don't come right out with what's wrong, but eventually we will. And we do have financial problems, and especially around Christmas it's hard, but he's right, we haven't gone without the necessities. I try to keep that into perspective. But that's another huge change I've had to deal with. Before him, I had money & wasn't forced to spend it. Now, things are way different. But again, I know the struggle won't last forever and I'm never alone. I have the most amazing support system :)

Despite all troubles, I AM BLESSED!!!!!