Where would we be?!

There is a special little boy that I first got the pleasure of working with whenever I worked at The Learning Center. He was about 4 or 5 months at the time. All I remember whenever I first saw him was "Wow, he looks so much like Carter." Well, during the time that I was working at TLC, we were going through Carter being in the hospital with SBS. I left the hospital July 30 to come get my paycheck and I asked my boss if I could go see the babies (I worked in the baby room). All I wanted to do was see smiling faces. I hugged them, loved on them, hoped that soon Carter would wake up and we would be able to do the same for him. I remember sitting down and holding Baylor and just crying. I felt like I holding Carter for a second.

Months passed. I started a new job. Baylor was at the daycare that I was starting at. I was excited to have seen him grow so much since the last time I saw him. I got to see this boy, a month and a day younger than Carter, laugh, grow, and run around full of energy.

I was talking to him mom today about how it's crazy he is about to be 2 years old. I wish Carter could be here to celebrate his 2nd birthday with us. It has got me to thinking again, where would we be if he was here. How would things be? What would be know? Questions....Questions....Questions!!!!!!

The list goes on and on of what I wish I knew. Only God and dreams can give me comfort. 

I am blessed everyday to be able to work with such beautiful children than keep me going and make me stronger for the mother that I am going to become. They are my little comedians. My little lessons. My little loves.

Life Makes Love Look Hard

One of my pet peeves used to be that people use song lyrics as their statuses on Facebook. I have learned to let that go because there is so much truth in songs. It is life with music and rhyming words. So the title of this post- "Life makes love look hard" - comes from Taylor Swift's song "Ours." I don't like Taylor Swift too much, but I do love this song very much.

Anyway, the point of this post is... life really does make love look hard. We always here about the divorce rates growing, the fights that people have in their marriages, and not even just marriages but relationships in general. It is not hard to love someone. It is a feeling that you cannot control and a feeling that is very desirable, but it is very hard to love someone so much and to see them go through pain. To see them struggle. To have to tell them the hard truth. Tyler and I are very very happy. I don't want anyone to think anything different. But we have our problems just like everyone else. We have a lot of learning to do. We have lessons that are still waiting to be learned. We have to experience things that we haven't had the chance to yet. Loving someone the way that you should and making (and holding onto) the committments that come with saying those vows can be difficult sometimes. I don't believe in "I will never do anything to hurt you." Things happen that we cannot control. You can't predict the future. Don't promise that you will never hurt me. I am so sensitive. There is no telling what will hurt me at any given time.

Life is hard. Money is tight. But we make it work. And we smile while we do it. We love each other unconditionally. We are a young couple. We stand very little chance of making it to 50 years. So the world wants to think. We made that promise to each other. We didn't get married with the intention of getting divorced on down the road. We are in it for the long haul. We are ready for anything that comes our way. We have already been through more than most young couples (even older couples than us). It has only made us stronger.

Life might make love look hard... but this love is definitely ours!!

Truth of Mature Adults

I found these on a picture that I saw on Pinterest. I omitted some of them that I didn't like, but the rest of the them I think are true and pretty funny. Enjoy.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realized you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't all least kind of tired.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" mean I will never wash this - ever.
14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
18. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
19. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
20. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
21. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
22. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
23. How many time is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,a nd you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?
26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little to far.
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey- but I'd get my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.57 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!!

Putting a thought to rest

Almost a year ago, I look back on the post that I did about tocophobia (the fear of being pregnant). One of the first and most common questions that people ask us is when we are going to try to have a baby.

We don't know.

I have talked to a few of the girls that I work with about my fear of being pregnant. The post says it all. The reasons why I am scared are pretty clear. They may not be easily understood, but they are existent and that is all there is to it. I can't help how I feel. But... I am trying to work on putting that thought to rest. I don't want to fear such a great thing. I don't want to deprive myself and Tyler of the joy of being parents because of my own insecurities and selfishness. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. Right now we are trying to prevent it, but we will be told when we are ready. We just have a lot to work out and accomplish before we have kids. We want our child(ren) to have the life that he/she/they deserve. We want to be able to provide for them and not have to struggle like we feel like we would now. Right now I am satisfied with dealing with the babies at work. I love them and I am learning a lot before I get to experience it myself.

Inexpensive Date Ideas

I wanted to share what I found whenever I researched inexpensive date nights. I am always up for a good date night. Tyler and I usually spend way too much money when we do though. Here are some ideas that I found. I hope that you try some of these out.

1. Take a walk through a park holding hands and talking about the things you see.  Remember to swing on the swings.
2. Create a picnic in your den floor, if it's winter make it in front of the fireplace.  Turn off the TV, turn on some music, and light the candles
3. Watch a movie and have popcorn.  Turn off the lights and turn the volume up just like at the theaters.
4. Bake a cake, cookies, or brownies together.  Get messy and have fun.
5. Set up a treasure hunt.  Get in the car and let your sweetheart figure out your clues.  Visit some places you know he/she will like.
6. Take a bubble bath together and have conversation about your favorite childhood memories.
7. Place a blanket in the back yard one night, cuddle, and count your lucky stars and discuss whatever comes up.
8. Wake your spouse up before sunrise one morning and watch the sun come up over your favorite morning breakfast.
9. Take a walk on a nature trail.
10. Play games together…rummy, charades, puzzles, or a board game can last for hours.
11. Have a photo shoot of each other.  Change outfits a couple of times.
12. Plan a spa day at home.  Take turns pampering each other with hand and foot massages.  Soft music and candles a must.
13. Visit your local high school's football or basketball game.
14. Visit open houses in new neighborhoods.  The model homes are fun to go through.
15. Visit a furniture store and discuss your likes and dislikes.
16. Have a picnic in a beautiful setting.
17. Look through photo albums together.
18. Do an arts and craft event together.  Make candles, water paint on a pad while at a park, try to draw a picture of each other.
19. Stay in bed all day together watching your favorite TV shows.
20. Take a tour of garage sales in the ritzy areas.
21. Have a theme night together.  Dress for the occasion, add the food, and a movie.
22. Have a mystery progressive night out.  Start at 1 restaurant for an appetizer, go to another restaurant for the entree, and third place for dessert.
23. Play in the rain together.
24. Head to a batting cage and hit some balls together.
25. Take a test drive in your dream car.
26. Exercise together.
27. Make a CD or Playlist on the computer of your favorite love songs together.
28. Watch Monday Night Football together. For dinner tailgate in your kitchen.
29. Go bowling.
30. Have a shaving cream battle, outside of course.
31. Rent a bicycle built for 2 and ride together.
32. Go for go cart ride.
33. Sightsee in a major city near you or in a nearby small town that you've never been to.
34. Visit a comedy club.
35. Go back to your roots that brought you together.  Where were you when you met?  What activity were you doing when you met?  Go there or do something of the same sorts.
36. Go for a game of mini golf.
37. Go to a concert or a local pub with live music.

A Very Proud Wife

I debated whether to post this because of how sensitive the subject is and the risk of some people seeing it that don't really need to. But I have to say that I am very proud of Tyler for a decision that he has made. Next month I am going up to Carter's, Wendy's (Tyler's mom), and Romine's (Tyler's stepdad) graves to put up new flowers and to clean around the sites. Tyler and I had not even been dating very long and he took me to his mom's and stepdad's graves on Christmas day when we were up in Russellville to visit his family. He said that not many people have come with him to visit them. I knew that he trusted me to treat him right or he would not have shared something like that with me. At the time, Carter wasn't even born, but less than a year later, we buried him. So we have a lot of flower arrangements to do. I knew that Tyler wouldn't mind going to his mom and Romine's grave, but he had clearly stated that he would never go to Carter's grave, not because he didn't love him (I don't want people to think that), but because it is very hard for him. If you have never been through something like that, you will never understand. He said that going to see his grave would just make it even more real to him that Carter is gone. I found the strength in myself to go up there to put flowers up for fall, but I couldn't do it by myself. Mom told me something one day that made total sense to me; that women tend to put themselves in the uncomfortable positions to preserve the feelings of the guy. This is one thing that I don't mind doing for Tyler. I know that it is hard for him and I have supported that. But he has agreed to go with me when I go next month. I am proud of him for feeling like he might have the strength to do this. I told him that this would either be something that once he experienced it that he would never do it again, or it will turn out to be easier than he thought. I hope that everything turns out as planned and that he will rely on me to keep him strong. I hope that it is going to be easier than he thought. I ask that everyone keep us in your prayers while we are still going through the grieving process.

Lending a helping hand

There are so many things on my bucket list that I can't even list them all. One of them was for Tyler and I to start a scholarship program in honor of Carter. This will develop with time and a little bit more money. Today, I decided that it was time to keep a promise that I made to an old friend of mine. Her 2 year old son was diagnosed with leukemia at the end of last year. He has since been in remission, but the medical bills have racked up very quickly and they have had numerous fundraisers and benefits to help with the costs. I promised her that whenever we were stable enough in our business that we would do a fundraiser type thing for them. We have decided to make all profits from purchases from now until March 15th to go straight to them. We have had our share of profits from the business, so now it is time to give them to someone who it will help. I am blessed that we are given the chance to do this for them. But we can't do it without y'all's help. Go to our Facebook page and "like" us. Order a custom canvas design, a framed dry erase board, a custom chalkboard, or any of the watches, diaper bags, wallets, t-shirts, totes, etc.

A very cluttered mind

Yesterday I was very upset because I felt like my friends and family were really letting me down about something. I feel a lot better about it today because things turned out better because of one person. I have always thought that family was most important; friends come second. But because Tyler has a very distant relationship with a lot of his family, he relies on his friends to be his family, besides me and my family. Sometimes my friends do more for me than my family. I am not referring to people specifically because that is drama that I am not intending to start. All I have to say is that I wish certain people would care more. I am tired of them pretending to care and/or being fake about how they are with us. I feel like we are a huge inconvenience to some people. We have been through a lot, and all we are looking for is some support. We have taken the steps to help ourselves so I am tired of people acting like we are working backwards. We are progressing. I am thankful that we have the same doctor so we are all able to communicate and stay on the same page with our conditions.

It's hard to think of Carter being almost 2. It's hard to picture him even crawling. It's hard to picture him doing anything that he wasn't able to do. It's all sitting in my mind. I'm not angry about it, but I am very upset. I wish that we could go broke spoiling him to death. I have been doing a lot of thinking about having kids. Tyler and I will have many more talks about it. It's a complicated situation. One that I am blessed that we are getting to discussed rather than having to make it work because it has already happened.

I'm gonna leave it here.

This crazy funk I'm in..

Mom and I finally picked the color scheme that Tyler and I are going to paint and decorate our kitchen in. Thank goodness. That is the hardest part. Now, we just have to get the paint and everything to coordinate with it. I have been in this crazy funk about cleaning and organizing the house. I have finally got my craft room started and now I am hell bent on getting Tyler's man cave closet cleaned so I don't have to straddle the door to get in anymore.

Side note: Whoever designed this house in 2001 was PSYCHO when they decided to make all of the closet door open to the inside. It's making it very difficult to put things in the closet and to close the doors.

Anyway, I drove out to Chenal Valley to get a coat stand for $7 and it was probably the best buy ever!! I am so excited about it. I have wanted one for a while but couldn't find on that wasn't oh.... $130. I am so excited. This thing is like brand new.

I am also excited to say that we are probably getting new carpet in February-ish. My grandparents are getting new carpet and their carpet is in very good shape so we are getting their carpet, providing it will fit in our living room (fingers crossed). As you can tell from the picture of the coat rack, the carpet is green. Green is not a good color of carpet. Not in 2012. I didn't realize how dark the paint was going to go on the wall so the off white carpet will really set off the darkness of the living room and keep our area rug from clashing with the green carpet.

Okay, last but not least. After I am done with this post, I am headed into the craft room to start the very first Pinterest craft that I pinned. Baby food jars with chalkboard lids used for spice jars. I am not quite sure what I love this so much, but I am super excited to see how it turns out. I will post pictures!!

One goal for 2012

2009 brought on the biggest change in my life... Tyler!! Ever since then, I have been up and down, all around. Emotionally and physically. I never experienced pain like I did until I got with him. This may sound bad so far, but it is not meant to be negative. I would not have wanted to spend this time with any other guy except Tyler. The pain that I have experienced has been part of his life as well. Everyone pretty much knows what I am talking about. Closer friends and family know the details. Ever since we decided to start dating, we have never split up. Not to say that we have not had our spats, but we don't believe that breaking up and getting back together a million times is what was best for us. We've turned out okay so far. We are doing great. When we got that call on July 25, 2010, both of our lives really changed forever. Forever for the sad, forever for the bad, forever for the good. We have obviously found the bad in not having Carter here, but we have learned to find the good in it. Some are things that people don't understand, and that is okay. We don't care about being judged about our true feelings. Everyone handles situations and pain differently. We have held onto a lot of anger due to the situation. Before Carter was born, after Carter was born, and after he passed away. There has just been a lot of hurt and anger. This is not something simple and easy to get over. Forgiveness is not something that can just be said and then it's done. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes prayers. It takes thought. This year in 2012, we plan to work on focusing more on the rememberance of Carter rather than holding onto and focusing on the anger that we might still be holding onto. We know that he would not want to see us unhappy. He knows there are going to be times that we slip into states of anger and upset, but overall, we plan on focusing on the positive this year. That is also easier said than done. Starting a new year is exciting and scary at the same time. It is hard to think that you find positive in something so tragic. It is also healthy. I am ready to tackle this challenge and carry on my positiveness with Tyler and work to be better people...for us and for Carter.

2012... Here we Go!!