1. I know how you feel.
Even if your child died, you can't know how I feel, because every person and situation is unique. If you want to share how you felt when you experienced a loss, that's fine. But bite your tongue if you're ever tempted to compare two people's grief. Tyler and I even grieve differently. I don't share the same feelings as him, and he doesn't share the same with me.
2. How are you doing?
Many people use this greeting out of habit and aren't prepared for an honest reply. A much better greeting is simply "It's good to see you." If you truly are prepared to find out how a grieving person is feeling, try to use specific questions such as: "What was the hardest thing you've had to face this week?" or "Have you been able to have a good cry lately?" -It's like right after we walked out of Children's, someone called me and I told them that he was gone. She asked how we were doing. Um, what how do you think?
3. Look on the bright side. It could have been much worse.
Yes, it's true that others have had to face worse. And even though a bereaved person could probably find a dozen reasons to be thankful if hard-pressed, you needn't try to force them to be cheerful. Sadness is the normal, healthy response to the death of a loved one.
4. Call me if there's anything I can do to help.
Few grieving people will ask for help because they are usually too overwhelmed to assess and prioritize their needs. Friends should offer to do something specific and remember to get permission before taking action.
5. At least we know it was God's will.
While it's true that God allows bad things, this statement is insidious because it implies that He intentionally plans them in order to punish or teach us. It's not God but the enemy who deserves credit for evil and its completely irrational results.
6. Don't worry; you're young. You'll get on with your life.
A loved one who dies is not replaceable. Having another child can ease the pain of a secondary loss. But parents will mourn the primary loss, a relationship with that child, for as long as they live.
7. Aren't you happy your child doesn't have to live in this sinful world anymore?
Although we have a blessed hope that the separation of death is only temporary, happiness won't be realized until the great reunion. If parents were meant to care only for heaven and nothing for this life, then the happiest parents would be those whose babies are stillborn, right?
8. Don't talk that way. You know better than that.
The ability to safely express doubts, questions, and anger is crucial in the healing process. It's perfectly natural for grieving persons to wonder why God didn't step in and overrule in their particular situation. Allow them to wrestle through this difficult issue and question the One who says in Isaiah 1:18, "Come now, let us reason together." He can sooner help a person who expresses these feelings than one who buries them beneath a guise of unquestioning acceptance.
9. You must be really strong. I'd die if that happened to me.
What you perceive as calm strength is more likely the numbness of shock. You may be surprised how many grief-stricken people pray for God to let them die, too. Death would be a welcome relief, and many have briefly considered suicide. The last thing they need is for someone to imply that they are disloyal for trying to make the best of the life they have. -I was told by several people that they would have "killed somebody" if that had happened to their child. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO UNTIL YOUR IN THAT SITUATION!!!! Enough said!!!
10. You should be over this by now.
Grieving for a child is a lifelong process, not a weeklong event. The only way to get "over" it would be to forget that child, an unhealthy alternative to grief known as denial. Life will eventually seem worth living again, but it will never be as it once was. Too much has changed. You can't put a timeline on grief. It is different with everyone.
11. God will never give you anything that you can't handle.
When someone is grieving over the loss of a loved one, they handle it how they choose. God made everyone unique and nobody handle grief identically.
12. Many people die young. He lived a good life.
That one is a personal one. Who is to say that Carter lived a good life. We weren't able to see what was going on when he was away from us. He died of shaken baby syndrome and had bruises on him prior to that. We have no idea what was going on. But we do know that he was abused by someone. He was ripped from this life due to someone's negligence.
13. It was just his time.
Don't put a schedule on someone's life.
14. You are still upset? You need to move on.
You can't put a timeline on grief. It takes different amounts of time for everyone. Anniversaries and birthdays will always be a time of sadness even when there are times of laughter. The pain doesn't just go away.
15. Everything happens for a reason.
That statement is so cliche that it shouldn't even be said. It's just enough to irritate someone.
16. It will get better with time.
Again, refrain from saying things that you don't know to be true. It could take a lifetime for someone to get better. You can't know that for someone. You can only hope.
17. "At least..."
Never use that phrase. It's someone's way of saying that there could be worse things.
18. Don't ever compare situations
You can't compare the loss of a parent to the loss of a child to the loss of a sibling. It is all different. I shouldn't even have to explain this one.
19. Something good will come out of this.
You never want to hear that. In time, you may realize the truth in it, but while you are grieving, you never want to accept that there is a positive side to losing someone. People have told us that if Carter would have made it, we would have had to take care of a vegetable the rest of his life. That it would be a burden. Since when is caring for a child a burden? "If we would have lived, he wouldn't have even been normal." and " It's probably a good thing that he was let go because you never know what complications he would have had." I think that one has gotten to me the most.
20. Remember, you still have your family.
Yes, maybe. But with all that Tyler has lost, it makes you realize that things can happen when you least expect it. It puts the fear in you basically. You have your family to help you through it, but the fact is, you just lost a member of your family.
21. You can always have another baby.
Ohhh, really!!? I didn't know. But you never know. This was my stepson. What if I can't concieve a child of my own? What if I had problems with infertility? And no baby of ours will ever replace Carter. They will be loved the same, no question, but when people say that, they say it as if the lost child can be replaced.
I hope that people can relate and understand this. Maybe for those that I have been short with, they will understand where I am coming from. Where we all come from.
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