March 12, 2011

i hate the criticism

Who is in the right place to tell someone how to handle death- honestly? 

I have been having a hard time with it lately. Being criticized on top of my feelings is only making it worse. Nobody can really help how they feel. You can't just stop- although I wish I could.

I have had people tell me that they don't understand how I can mourn the loss of Carter like Tyler can. Okay, yeah there is a little bit of a difference, but what am I supposed to say? I didn't care?

Nooo.....

I did care. I cried myself to sleep for 10 days and beyond. And still do. He was an innocent life taken due to someone's negligence, temper, stupidity, whatever!!! How would that not make a normal person cry? He was my husband's son... Hello!! 

He's told me several times, and whether I truly feel it or not, I don't know, that he was mine just as much as his. I usually am careful about how much of stuff like that I say on here due to the risk of it being seen from the other side. But, I can't care anymore about that, really. I probably will continue to care a little bit, but I honor him, and mourn the loss of him. Sorry. If you don't understand, read my post titled "Maternal Instincts!?!" I don't feel like I should have to justify myself. I have been constantly demeaned by people, and it's not fair. I don't hurt anyone. I'm trying to give Tyler back some of what he lost, the best way I know how. Jeez, people!!

And about my dad and how I mourn over him... That's almost one of those things I will seriously go crazy on someone about. Let's see... I lost years with my dad, yes, but I loved him still. I was half of him. Me being told that it doesn't make sense for me to miss him like I do... OH NO!!! Don't ever tell me that. Another hurtful thing- I am lucky to have recieved his retirement. Yes, I sat there just waiting for him to take his last breath so I could get my hands on his money. You caught me... NO!!!!! I loved my dad with all my heart. He made a lifestyle choice that cost him his life, but that doesn't change the feeling I have in my heart. I miss my dad everyday. And love him so much.

I hate being criticized about my coping methods and people I mourn the loss of. It's a sin against God, mostly. Think about it. I don't ever criticize how people cope. It's different for us all.

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