Bittersweetness

My afternoon class wanted to do something fun today since they couldn't go outside due to the extreme heat, so we made our dads a little something special. 

Okay, the reason for the "bittersweetness" should be obvious.

I love this holiday for the kids.  I love seeing them do something special for their daddies.  But I always think about how mine isn't here anymore, and about how Tyler only had one Father's Day with Carter. It completely breaks my heart, because I can't see my dad and say "thank you."  And Tyler can't see Carter & won't recieve another Father's Day card until our first baby gets here.

There is not much to say about the situation. Plain and simple... It sucks & I don't wish this hurt on anyone.

But, in saying that, I DO want to wish all of the daddies out there a very Happy Father's Day.  Love your babies like there was no tomorrow.

upcoming

over the next month or so, i am going to redesign my blog. different background, different colors, everything...

also, tyler is turning the big 21 next week!! we're both very excited about that. we can finally go out together.

father's day is the following sunday. we'll see how that goes. for both of us. it's going to be another emotional day.

we are going to have to start packing quickly, as we have to be out of our place by the end of the month. ahhh!!

also, the time is running out for me to finish the name board. or book.  i still can't decide.

doesn't sound like a lot, but there is a lot going on this month.

and july and august are going to be packed too.. but let's just get through june first!!

Father's Day 2011

Father's Day is going to be a difficult day for Tyler, whether he shows it or not. He has had every chance of being a father on Earth taken away from, but he is still a father at heart. He may not show his emotion all of time (or very often), but he feels it. It will hit him at the most random times. The slander that has gone on behind his back, the "Tyler was never there", the void he felt all of the time. All of that hurts him. I see it in his eyes even when I don't hear it come out of his mouth. The pictures on my side of the bed, the puzzle on his side of the bed, the big grinning face above our heads- these in his mind should not be what holds him together. It should be the presence of Carter in his crib or laying in bed with him. And his little brother or sister for him to play with. JJ is all Tyler has to fill that void. Last year was his first father's day as a father, and he didn't get the chance to go see Carter, and now this year will be his second father's day and he won't have him here. It breaks my heart.

People think that a woman is the one who deals with more grief than a man. This is not true. A man can grieve just as much as a woman if not more. I have found some myths and truths about grieving fathers. I really see the truth in them. 

Men are strong; this means they need to be independent and in control. Yes, men are perceived to be the strong one in a family, but they can experience times of weakness just like women.

Seeking help is a sign of weakness. Being strong means to seek help when needed and to be able to recognize one’s feelings and cope with them in a healthy way.

It is okay for men to be angry, but it isn’t okay to feel hurt, scared or to display tender feelings or to cry. Society projects this macho image as the male identity, thus making it difficult for men to feel comfortable with expressing feelings.

Men are protectors; women need protecting. Often when a child dies, men are asked, “how is your wife?” instead of “how are you?” This presumption passes over the man’s feelings and may make him resent his wife.


Men don’t feel. Society puts this on men, so they repress and suppress.

Father’s don’t love their children as much as mothers. Our society assumes that fathers, traditionally the “breadwinners,” aren’t considered to care as much as the mother or feel the loss of a child.


Men need to keep busy. Because men are already work-oriented, they can use their natural tendency as an excuse to further avoid dealing with grief and hurt.


Be a man, don’t cry. This is the message little boys are given, which often impairs them from doing this natural part of grieving as adults.

Men don’t need help. Many men would rather drive around lost than ask for help. During grief, this is how they feel, lost and reluctant to ask for support.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS OUT THERE!!!

Still doesn't know..

I know that having children is one of those things that you either really plan for or it just happens.  It's not one of those things that you want to rush.  You want to be sure. 

I am one that is not so sure. 

Honestly, I believe that Tyler is ready to be a dad again whenever the time comes.  It's not going to be a shock to him, and I know that he will be on board.  But it's an ongoing struggle for me.  I am about fed up with the "if you have doubts then you don't need to do it."  Maybe, but that is the most annoying, most cliche thing that anyone can say.  Unless you are going through the exact same thing (and even then, everyone handles it differently), you have no idea how emotionally draining it is wanting a child and knowing that you are not ready in some ways. 

I have compiled a list of reasons of why I think that God is wanting us to wait (but being the impatient one that I am, I am having a hard time accepting them).

1. Money
2. Living arrangements
3. Still newly married
4. Still too young

Also, I started thinking about all of the other things that might be signs.

1. Carter doesn't want anyone is his room for a while. 
2. Maybe the kids that I work with are the only kids that I need to deal with at the moment. 
3. All of the problems that I am going through with my health.

And of course, I have my fears.

1. Miscarriage (I think this has to be my number one fear)
2. Eventually having to put my child in daycare.
3. Bad sickness.
4. Being able to trust ANYONE with my child.

I know what your thinking- This crazy lady is going to worry herself to death!!

But making lists like this about things that I do worry about, get the ideas out of my head just a little and relieves a little bit of the stress.  If I can express how I am feeling and get my concerns out there, maybe someone will read over them and will be able to relate to me.  Tyler always tells me not to stress about the things that I can't control.  True, but this is a worry that guys don't experience like a girl does.  They don't have the same responsibilities in the matter. 

Anyway, so I said all of that to mean this- I'm just not sure!!! I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Mother's Day

For about a week now, or I guess since the kids at school started working on their Mother's Day cards/projects, I have been thinking about Carter being here (and about something else).  I keep wondering if he would have thought of me as his mother or would he even love me being his stepmother.  It's such an awkward and disappointing feeling to me.  Questions that I'll never have the answers to just sit in my mind. 

I was at Walmart this morning printing off pictures and looking for my mom and Tyler's grandma a Mother's Day card, and of course there were stepmother cards.  I had to pick up at least one and read it.  Good thing I only read one because I almost immediately started crying.  I just wish I could be honored on this day.  Every chance I had of being a mother has been taken away from me.  It's not fair to either of us really. 

I came across an article- Mother's Day for Stepmoms - just a little bit ago that is basically how I feel, minus the fact that no children are present in my situation.

There isn't much else I can say about it. Just wish I could wake up to a "Happy Mother's Day" tomorrow.

A Year in Heaven

August 4, 2010, at 2:40pm, Carter joined God and all of his beautiful angels. It's been a long, hard year, but we know that he is where every one of us wants to be, and will be someday. Free from harm, free from pain. Join us in releasing a blue balloon for him on this day. Many of you never got the chance to meet him, but he still captured the hearts of many with those big blue eyes and that beautiful smile. There was not a person that saw a picture of him that didn't see Tyler in him.    We have created a Facebook event that you can visit & post pictures.  You can visit this event here.   For this event, we would like to have people join us at the location that we are releasing the balloons, but we understand that not everyone will be able to make it.  If you release a balloon for him alone, we ask that you please take a picture of it, and post it on the event wall or mine or Tyler's wall.  Also, if you are not able to release a balloon, you can light a candle or just simply say a prayer.   This is not a day that we want to spend sad.  We want to remember Carter as happy.  This is in honor of him & what more could a parent want for their child than to know that they are eternally safe?

Lies..

To some people a lie is a lie no matter what it's about.  I don't think that so much, but I am sensitive when it comes to some things. 


Psalms 31:18, "Let the lying lips be put to silence;"

I can speak for so many people, that the lying lips do need to be put to silence.  This situation has become the most insane thing that we have ever had to deal with, and it's about time that the lies & show stop!!
  Without going into too much detail, (close friends and family can pick up on my point), I am tired of people lying about their Christianity whenever they are living a life of destruction.  When I said a lie is a lie to some people, which do you think is more severe- lying about your age, or lying about being a Christian as you are engaging in illegal activity such as hard drug usage?  God knows every lie that you tell, even before you tell them.  Why people think they can make it to Heaven whenever they are living a lie is beyond me.  You can't fool him.  It's just not possible.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not a perfect Christian, but what you see is what you get.  I don't try to fool anyone into thinking that I am someone that I am not. 

Please continue to pray for our family & the family of the truly innocent as June 28th approaches quickly.

Happiness- Saturday

Well, like I said that I was going to, I am reflecting on this past week in all the positive ways that I can..

First off, Easter Sunday was good.  I got to meet another one of Tyler's aunts from South Carolina (met the first several months ago).  We enjoyed time at my aunts as well. 

Monday & Tuesday mornings, I got to work with a younger age group at work (the 2 1/2's) and I really enjoyed it.  They are great kids.  So smiley & energetic.  Tuesday morning I was asked if I would like to work with a younger group since I did so well with them.  I thought about it and told my director that I would really like that. 

So...

Wednesday afternoon, I got to start with the 2 1/2's.  I was a little nervous at first just because this was the other 2 1/2's class that I had not been with those two mornings.  I had only been with this class for 10 minutes each morning while I was giving a break.  But it has been fun.  I really like not being so stressed when I come home from work.  I love my 4's with all my heart, don't get me wrong, but I felt so helpless & completely worn out everyday when I left.  I just work with younger ones easier.  Some do. 

Thursday, pretty much the same.  Work.  Fun. 

Friday, I got to see my best friend in the whole world & her boyfriend & they came out to the boonies with us to hang out. We had a good time.  Watched a birthday boy make a complete idiot of himself. 

...& today, just relaxing

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I forgot to mention, but it should go without saying, we are okay from the horrible storms & tornadoes that came through on Monday. We were spared on Tuesday too.

Happiness Project

As we all know, I'm pretty horrible at staying committed to projects unless it's somethng that I'm doing for someone else as a gift.  But this one, I feel like I have to do.  Without going into any major detail, I have been very unhappy for quite some time.  I'm talking a couple of years.  Of course I have had my good days; they are not all bad.  But overall, I am not a happy person.  I've struggled with a lot lately. 

Anyway, so I've decided at the end of every week, I'm going to reflect on all of the good happenings of the past week.  It's worth a shot, right?  I know that my problems are deep, but all of the positive that I can draw out of my life might help me from thinking "Wow, this week sucked" and it might keep me from feeling so exhausted at the end of the week so that I can enjoy my weekends more.  What do I have to lose?  Everyday, I'll document things that made me happy.  I may still be in denial that I need to talk to someone again, but until the funds become available on top of all the other bills that I have, I'm trying everything that I can. 

I want my life back.

I want to be a happy daughter, a happy wife, a happy sister, a happy friend, a happy teacher.

I'm walking into this as being a success and for it to be a step forward.  I would love to have someone join me in this.  Either join me, or help me to keep the positive in perspective. 



Busy...

Sorry that I haven't posted anything in over a week.  We have been trying to get the house situation figured out.  Waiting on phone calls.  Tyler has been out of work for 3 weeks from the torn cartilage in his knee.  We now know that he has a disease (don't say gross) in his knee called Osgood Schlatters (or something like that) that causes the tendons to swell.  But luckily he doesn't have to have surgery, and can return to work on Monday... Yay!! 

I started working full time this week (thank God), but I have been busy busy and completely wiped out.  So, hopefully I'll get to start blogging regularly again soon. 

Happy Earth Day!!!